Day 31. Here we are, 31 days later.

Today, Max was still not feeling good and was really tired at lunch.

     "I want Mason to come home." 

He said this as his little face melted into tears. Talk about breaking my heart. I told him we had to go to Target but after that it would be time to go get Mason. He replied,

     "I want to go get Mason from his school and then go to Target. I heared the ding dong at his school."

Obviously, he was talking about the bell that rings when the school day is over. Bless his little heart. I've never heard him talk about missing his brother.

They often get frustrated with each other after Mason comes home from school and wants to "take over" Max's set-up train set or other toys, but the past two days since Mason had early dismissal at noon, they literally played together the entire two afternoons and I can't remember breaking up any conflicts. They were laughing, creating new games, playing old ones, making big messes and just enjoying being together. It was so much fun to see.

31 days flies by pretty quickly. In case you forgot, I joined another blogger's challenge to write for 31 days in the month of October on any topic, and I chose "31 Days of Letting Love Win". I feel like this month I've learned a lot. I've learned to find love in places I didn't expect it. I've learned that love is hard, and it takes work. I've learned that sometimes love sounds more like a whisper than a trumpet, and that to hear it you have to sometimes sit still and stop trying so hard.

To me, letting love win is about listening more to the positive words we say in our heads, and disagreeing with the negative ones. It's about choosing to think less about protecting myself and more about opening up to someone else. It's about making the right choices, the ones that make me feel good about myself, even if no one else understands why. I don't always make the right decisions, and I certainly won't ever be perfect, but I do feel like I've been changed this month, that I've torn down some of those protective layers, those brick walls, and the real me is more exposed. I feel more vulnerable, and more in touch with my heart, with making choices that are better for myself and my family and less worried about pleasing everyone else.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I still have a long way to go, to get healthy from childhood wounds, and learn to be a better parent, wife, daughter, friend, and sister. But I'm on my way, and I'm 31 days closer to the person I was made to be.

Any thoughts for November? Seems like I need a new challenge. We'll see!

Have a great night!

Day 30. At least one of us got a nap.

I had to miss our small group meeting tonight because I'm still feeling ill. Remember yesterday, how I hoped the boys and I would all get naps in the afternoon today? Well, they were too excited to play together so no sleeping happened for them (they do share a room after all), so they went downstairs to play while I napped. And except for Mason coloring all his fingernails blue with a marker, they didn't get into any trouble and played relatively quietly.

One of the things I'm trying to work on in my spiritual journey, is to try to have more of a worshipful and prayerful mindset as I go throughout my day. Usually, I end up breaking up worship time, prayer time, and then have my housework time, errand time, playing with the kids time, and don't really mix the two together. I think I need more help getting through the small situations of my day than I realize. And I'm sure that praying more frequently, will help me feel more centered and peaceful as things come up. I'm definitely hoping to see a difference.

Is there anything in your journey that you are working on? Or that you'd like to work on?

I'll leave you tonight, with some photos of our last visit to the zoo, on Sunday.

Have a great night!

Day 29. Parent/Teacher Conferences.

It's way past my bedtime, so I'm keeping it short and sweet.

We had Mason's first parent/teacher conference today and it went really well. He is progressing well scholastically, and is doing great socially too. The fears I had when we first sent him to school have been replaced with joy as I see him thriving, learning, making friends, and still being himself which means very sandy shoes at the end of the day. He LOVES the sandbox. And he often surprises me with  a rock, stick, coin, rusted hair clip, or other lost sandbox item. "Look, Mommy. I brought you something." So sweet. Except when he brought home some pieces of a classroom checkers game in his pocket. Those had to go back. Ha.

The fun part about parent/teacher conferences is that we have two half days of school today and tomorrow. The sad part is that me and the boys are sick. So maybe tomorrow, we'll all nap in the afternoon and I can pretend I have a 2 and 4 year old again and for a moment, forget how big and independent these boys are getting, and wish that I could hold on to a few more of those quiet, peaceful days. Well, there weren't too many of those, but it will be fun to have them both home for the whole afternoon, just the same.

Good night!

Day 28. Hipster.

Today I went to the doctor. My right hip has bothered me for more than 7 years, and it was time to check it out. Way past time. Far beyond.

I had a chest X-ray when I was 26 and was told I had bone spurs in my back and that my spine looked like it was from a person twice my age and I also had a bulging disc in the lumbar region of my back. They said there was really nothing I could do about my "old bones", so I might as well try to keep doing the things I enjoy, even if it's not necessarily preserving them. I can't just sit around and do nothing, right? I have to live my life.

So when I thought about the hip pain I was having, I really didn't feel like hearing the same, "there's nothing you can do about it", depressing sort of verbiage. And so, I put off going to the doctor. The problem is, the pain, tingling and numbness that goes from my hip joint down to my knee, has become intense enough to affect my life more now. Usually, it bothers me, but I can ignore it enough to get by. On bad days, which have become more the norm these days, I can't stop thinking about it whether I'm sitting, standing, walking, going up the stairs, or lying in bed because it really hurts. It burns, it aches, it's sharp and dull at the same time, it makes me emotional, it causes me to walk with a slight limp and makes me annoyed when I have to always stand with my weight on my left leg. Sometimes I avoid going to a store because I don't want to walk around that much. At home, I just want to rest on the couch because it's starting to get exhausting dealing with it constantly. It's pretty obvious to me now, especially when I'm putting it into words, that I should have gone to see a doctor much sooner, but, here I am. I waited until today.

I decided to start with my primary care doctor. I explained my symptoms, and she had me do some stretches, and manipulated my leg to see what hurt. I'm starting to think I'm a horrible patient. I sometimes feel like doctors don't take my symptoms seriously. Anyway, she told me she wants me to go to physical therapy, which is fine, but it did leave me a little deflated. I wanted to make sure, with my family and personal history of bone issues, that there wasn't a problem with my bones in that area. After I explained my history, she wanted to get an X-ray. Good. Thank you. I was getting optimistic. Maybe after all this time, we'll find the easy solution, a quick simple fix, even if it's surgery, at least it will be a solution to this pain.

So I got my X-rays. And later today, my doctor called me with the results. And everything looks normal. Nothing wrong. I should have been happy about this. I was in some ways, but mostly I was disappointed that we didn't have any answers. Is this something physical therapy can solve? Maybe. I don't know.

Tonight, as I'm sitting on the couch, tingling pain shooting down to my knee, I'm disappointed and tired. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 27. For Yesterday.

Oops. I totally forgot to write yesterday, so I'm checking in this morning on behalf of Sunday, and will post for today (Monday) later.

Sunday is usually a good day for our family to spend some good quality time together. Mike's been very busy at work, finishing up his budget for the coming year. It's due this week, so while he's been working later hours, the boys and I are excitedly holding out for the next few days when it's due and he will get to be home a little earlier.

Mike had to go into work yesterday morning for a few hours, and while the boys and I literally were just at the zoo last Monday, we had missed the Dinosaurs Alive exhibit, and I had discovered after we came home, that yesterday was the last day it would be open, so we headed back to the zoo. What a difference. Last Monday there might have been 100 people at the whole zoo, and yesterday there seemed to be more like 100,000. Every parking spot was filled and people were parking on the grass, up the embankments that surrounded the entrance, driving up over curbs, it was crazy. I was worried that it would affect our experience, with lines being long, so many people making it hard to see the exhibits, but we had a blast anyway. We headed right to the Dinosaurs Alive entrance, got our tickets and headed in. After that, we went to the Family Play Zoo where the boys pretended to be veterinarians, a zoo director, I painted Mason's face like a tiger, they got to pet a lizard, play in the sensory garden, carry big logs and build things, play in sand, spray plants with water in the green house...I could go on, the family play zoo was incredible. We got a membership at our last visit, so now everything is included.

We walked a long way, and even stopped by to see our favorite grizzly bear. We wished Daddy could have come along with us, but it was better to go do something fun, than sit around home texting him asking how much longer until he came home (ha ha). The zoo was really fun, and we loved playing and laughing (with only the occasional fussing) and at the end of the day, I couldn't help but be so thankful for these boys in my life, and especially for how my efforts to better engage with them have strengthened our bonds.

Day 26. A photo update.

Here are some pictures of the past few days. Hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Day 24 & Day 25. Field Trip Fun and Finding Joy.

Yesterday, Max and I went with Mason and his class on a field trip to Kuipers Family Farm and Pumpkin Patch. It was so much fun, and I'll share some photos tomorrow, and the only difficult part of the day was the extremely cold temperatures.

Part-way through the day, Max started crying and couldn't stop. He was so cold that he couldn't walk and couldn't stop the tears and I decided we needed a little break. He and I headed to the car and ate our lunches snuggled up in the passenger seat with 80-degree air blowing on us for 30 minutes. Mason was having a fun time with his friends, and both Max and I felt better after our midday warm-up. On the way home, all the kids in my car, 4 kindergarten students and Max, fell asleep while their teacher and I chatted and enjoyed the pretty drive. It was a great day, and we were all ready for some rest after enduring the cold weather.

That evening, I had constituency meeting at the school. It was focused on updating the constituents and we didn't have anything to vote on or approve, so that made it pass more quickly. After the meeting, I enjoyed talking with several people and as soon as I got home, I felt the need to go straight upstairs and pray. I've been mulling this crazy idea in my head and it was time to really spend some time opening my heart to God about it. I don't have anything to share at this point except that I did feel some clarity on it, and yet I am continuing to pray and rest on the matter. I hope it will all be resolved soon, and for good this time. Then I will be able to explain. If you feel like sending up a prayer for me it would be greatly appreciated.

So, after my day yesterday, I chose to end it with prayer, and skip my blog post for the day, but there you have it. That was my yesterday.

Today, was low-key. I didn't run to Target like I meant too. I really needed a day to let everything else just be, so that's what we did. Max and I played, read stories, and he napped while I paid bills. After we got Mason from school, we played boys-against-mom football in the yard for a while, then they rode bikes and pulled each other in the sled. No, we don't have snow, but that doesn't stop them.

I really can't think of how to describe the difference I feel in my connection with the boys right now, except that I feel joyful. After all the changes I made that I discussed a while ago, my mind feels more and more free everyday as I dive deeper into opening my heart more fully and being present with my family. It's such an amazing gift, and I see changes in the boys as a result of my changes. They trust me more, they smile at me more, they get such joy on their faces when I play with them, and I feel a deeper sense of value, confidence in who I am, and true joy in my heart. This must be what it feels like when love is truly winning.

Day 23. Writing heals.

When I began the challenge of writing everyday for 31 days in the month of October, I wondered what I would write about every, single, next, day. Surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be.

One of the sayings I latched onto in the seminar I attended earlier this month, was: The hand will write what the mouth can't say. In other words, if you are struggling with anything, stress, family issues, relationships, God, life in general, or anything else, writing can help you pull the feelings and thoughts out of your mind, lay them on paper, outside of you, and leave you feeling peaceful and free, or at the least, like you've started to head that way. Sometimes it's hard to verbalize what we are feeling, so using your hand to write, is another way of "saying" how you feel, with less pressure. Often, you end up with "aha" moments that in the long run, will help you deal with the particular issue, and also give you clarity.

One of my college professors, assigned us to write three full pages every morning in a journal, of anything and everything that came into our heads. This was supposed to help us start the day with clean minds, get the mental clutter out. It was hard trying to get up that early, because three pages take a while to write with a pen and paper. I didn't get to it every day, but it was a very valuable exercise. It's like there's a unconscious connection between our hands and our brains, and if we can free the pathway between them, and the words can just flow, and things you didn't know were bothering you will show up right there. Sometimes, I was amazed at what came out in those pages. I've had journals for years and still keep one (although sometimes a lot of time passes between entries because of my life stage). It's been a wonderful thing to look back in my journals, as the years pass, and see how the struggles that I went through, lead to healing, to understanding, or sometimes simply acceptance. And it's wonderful to see the happy moments and feel the excitement of those good times again.

If you haven't tried it, you should pick up some paper, grab a plain notebook, or a fancy journal, whatever you like, and start writing. Start by trying to fill up just one page per day, and add more if you can. I'm pretty sure you'd be glad you did, because at least from my experience, writing heals.

Day 22. Snow.

We had our first snow of the season today, with a high of 39. Just three weeks ago we were having 80 degree days and wearing shorts and tanks. Now we are hurriedly unpacking our coats and boots and remembering how cozy a long sweater feels with a bulky coat wrapping it tightly. I love living in a place with seasons, but usually they don't change so quickly. I could have enjoyed a few more weeks of 60s and 70s.

Mason is very independent these days and this morning on our way to school I realized we forgot to pack his warm winter jacket for recess. He had his uniform cardigan with him, but all his uniform shirts are short-sleeved. He had a wool coat in the car that I tried to get him to take as I dropped him off, but he didn't want it. I figured he'd get really cold and wish he'd have taken the coat and then next time he'd be sure to follow my "wise" advice. Ha, wishful mommy-thinking.

As Max and I drove to pick him up later in the day, I started worrying about him standing outside in the chilly rain (snow had turned to rain by this point) waiting for me with no coat. Then I saw him, and sure enough, not only did he have no coat on, but he didn't even have his cardigan on! He was wearing his short sleeved shirt in the 39 degree rainy weather! (Apparently, he does not take after me.) He must have lost his cardigan, right? Or he couldn't find it? Poor boy, he must be miserable and freezing. He will be SO relieved to get in the warm car. I pulled up, he got in the car and I asked him where his cardigan was. "In my backpack." What??? Then I asked him if he was cold. "No." Oh, wow, ok. Totally cool and non-chalant, this guy. It was almost like he was saying "Why would I need a coat when it's so balmy out there?" Or more likely, and this is sort of my scary reality, it was actually more like, "I've got this mom. I'm big now and I can kind of take care of myself."

And now I see, I get to let him spread his wings and look a little higher, even if he's not ready to fly away yet.  He's starting to stretch, test the boundaries, and build his confidence. It's weird and wonderful. And truthfully, he is ready, even if I'm not sure I am.

Day 21. It's a zoo out there.

It really didn't feel like a Monday, today. Mike had the morning free and Mason had no school, so we took advantage and headed out, as a family, to one of our favorite breakfast spots, Egg Harbor Cafe. After Mike headed to work, the boys and I took off for the zoo.

I've been wanting to take the boys to the zoo for several months because we haven't been there in several years, and I knew they would love it. So, today was the day! We spent over 6 hours trying to see as many animals as we could. I didn't take time to edit the photos from today, but I had to share them anyway.

The first animal we saw, a pygmy hippopotamus.

"Mommy! Look! A crocodile!"

See that grizzly? Here, he kept a safe distance.

And then he hobbled over, gaining speed, and then stood half-way up and leaning in, literally hit the window right where my boys were standing, with his gigantic. bigger-than-my-head, paw. We all jumped! And when we caught our breath, we all laughed. Nervously. It totally freaked me out, but it didn't scare the boys away. Then he did it again. And we all jumped, again. Poor bear. He needs something else to do.

He's ready to be a grizzly bear.

We stopped to play at the playground. This was the perfect day to go to the zoo. No one was there. No lines, no waiting, active animals...perfect.

 They loved the penguins.

When they see these head-hole photo options around the zoo, they go running for them.

Cheese!

He loved these colorful birds.

And here I thought he was getting so big. Haha.

The snow leopard was Max's favorite animal today.

You can't tell, but there's a lion in the background. This was on our must-see list today.

Can you tell who doesn't want to be in pictures?

Look at this little jokester. 

A final picture, with an ode to the missing doesn't-want-to-be-photographed brother. 

It was a wonderful day. And SO great to have my big school boy home to go somewhere fun with us. I miss going places with all three of us. Things change a lot once kids start school, and of course it's wonderful that he's in school learning so much, but I do miss our fun excursions all together. That made today, even more special.

Day 20. Pictures.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, and today I wanted to share some pictures with you. Few words, many pictures. 

 My writing place at my sister's house. Peace. Quiet. Tea. Perfect.

Driving through her "neighborhood".

My must-stop place in Spokane.

Another "neighborhood" shot. I love wide open spaces.

The "young" girls set of the girl-weekend crew. My cousin and I dressed completely alike, by complete accident, believe it or not. And all three of us got the "tall brown boots" memo.

Oh my word. This is a great new lunch/coffee spot in Cheney. 

Lunch for three.

 Go ahead. Swoon over those tin ceiling tiles and the mason jar chandelier. I sure did.

  

Time to go already?

Smiles and swings. Two things that go very well together.

The "baby".

The "tomboy".

The "ballerina".

Come on, get with it, Chicago. I can't believe you don't have one of these!

Table side 1.

Table side 2.

Someday.

Some sweet mom-friends at Alumni Weekend at HAA. Maybe I shouldn't have worn heels. Ha!

I'll leave you with this set of pictures. Three little helpers putting chairs away. Max is in the middle. It was adorable. And they did it perfectly. Well done, boys.