Day 4. Push.

Change can be hard. But if we never push ourselves and allow change in our lives, we may miss the chance to grow, to learn, to become better. Choosing love over fear can be like this.

I made a decision last week to do something out of my comfort zone, but something I hope will allow some positive change in my life. I'm attending a 2-day "Why?" seminar this weekend. It's purpose is to help you look at parental relationships, how absent parents or different types of abuse and addictions in families have affected one's mindset and then how to begin healing, all from a Christian perspective. While I'm not someone with the worst-case scenario, I also know I have some work to do if I want to be in a healthier place and have better habits as I guide my own children. 

Diving into serious topics like this can be emotionally overwhelming, but I'm ready. I'm ready to face it, if it can bring positive change for our family.

So here I go. I'm choosing love, choosing change, discomfort, going out of my box, and instead of running away, I'm looking my fear in the face. 

The first session starts tomorrow afternoon.

Day 3. Perspective.

It's Day 3 in my 31 days of writing about "Letting Love Win". Sometimes, whether you realize you have something or not depends on your perspective. It's easy to focus on the thing that's wrong, but miss the many things that are right. Tonight, I decided to think about the way love shows up in my life. And when you really start thinking about it, you can probably find it in more places than you'd expect.

A few "Love" moments recently:

The boys bring me leaves, twigs, weeds, flowers, branches, or rocks. They don't just want me to hold whatever it is, it's a special gift they picked out just for me. Melts me.

Friends, being more awesome than I expected. Sharing life and being real.

My husband comes home from an 11-hour day at work and immediately jumps into play time with the kids. They might love him more than anyone else. Ever.

Sharing 80-degree October days in the backyard with friends, pools and popsicles.

Cheering for the blue team! Especially #17. 

We may have lost a tree, but we gained a fun stump. 

Brothers = Love

I will remind them as often as I have to.

Family. This family is love to me.

And just because, I love looking at old pictures to remember how far we've come. All the adventures, the learning about life and each other and what family means. Here are a few oldies.

There are plenty of my own issues to work through, but I feel so much love with these men in my life.

If you look for it you will find it.

Love wins. Again.

Day 2.

Yesterday, when Max and I went to get Mason from school, I made the decision to take them to IKEA. Trips like this were stress-inducing, plan my entire day around them, kind of trips in the past. There are some perks to kids getting older. While the ability to hold still for long periods of time is still not something I expect of them, I can usually get a quick errand in and we all come out in good moods and pretty happy. This has not always been the case. It could have gone very differently yesterday. 

As we walked past the childcare area at IKEA, where you can check kids in to play while the adult shops, Max decided he REALLY wanted to go in. Mason, said yes at first, but then changed his mind. Of course, Max only wanted to go if Mason went and he really, really wanted to go. Mason was steadfast, not going to change his mind. Max got really upset and started jumping up and down in the middle of the floor, wailing/fussing/crying/yelling and making quite the scene. Normally, this sets off a panic inside of me, everyone around starts staring, and I start imagining what they are thinking (all very negative in my mind, of course) and my focus turns to stopping whatever it is that's causing everyone to stare at me, and to get ourselves invisible again so we can hurry and get out and back to the car.

That's when I did something different than my normal. (And let me just say, my normal is not good, and hopefully none of you are like me.) Instead of hushing him and getting stressed and trying to go about our business without resolving anyone's feelings, I squatted down to his level, looked straight in his eyes and just talked to him. I validated him. I told him I understood that he was frustrated and that I knew he really wanted to go and play. I empathized with him. I held him and felt sad with him. And I just let it be. I didn't try to convince him to feel otherwise. It was incredible. I didn't choose fear, which is my usual response, and would have meant running away from the situation. I chose to love him, to take one minute and show him I cared and that I really saw him. 

Within 30 seconds, he was totally calm. We started on our way and he looked up at me while holding on to the cart and walking beside me and said, "It's okay. We'll do it another time."

Yes, baby. We will. 

Love wins.

31 Days of Letting Love Win

It's possible I'm the worst fancy blogger. Tonight, I was all excited to do a link-up to another blog (don't worry if you don't know what that means, I don't really either) that is hosting it's annual "31 Days" blogging challenge. If you haven't heard of Nesting Place, it's a blog I've enjoyed for several years, mainly because I agree in her concept of "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful". The gist, is that each year in October, she challenges people to post on their blogs daily for the entire month. I've pondered it before, but this year, I'm awkwardly jumping in, kind of like the cat who swims when they have to, not because they really want to. Here's where the rest of the awkward comes in, I totally failed the link-up. I ended up posting a picture of the generic "no photo" graphic you are supposed to replace, as my actual photo. This is after I spent about an hour creating a cute little button to use, that if I can figure out how to post here, I will certainly do. No promises, though. Oh brother. Not perfect. Oh well. I'm still here writing and that's the most important part.

I'm in an interesting place right now, having come to some recent awareness of how childhood experiences have shaped my life. I'm not wanting to over-share and get too bogged down in things, but one thing I've learned from some of the very personal blogs I follow, is that their honesty has helped me feel like I'm not the only one working through past experiences. If it helps one person feel like they aren't alone, then I'm happy. My intent is not to hurt or expose anyone in my life unnecessarily, either, but rather to share how my journey goes this month.

So, to make a very long story short, each day this month, as I struggle to come to grips with facing old wounds, as well as be present and available to take care of my family (seriously, it is for THEM that I even feel I must go down this road and find healing), I want to focus on letting LOVE win. I am always making way for fear, for insecurity, for survival, rather than experiencing life fully. So, may LOVE win for the next 31 Days. (....And beyond! - A little nod to the Buzz Lightyear-loving boys in my house)

I'll test out my little button here, but if it doesn't work, I may have to edit it out.

file://localhost/Users/melissamurrill/Desktop/picmonkey_image.jpg

Update: It doesn't work. I don't know what I'm doing. Life goes on.

The Stand

I've been meaning to write for a while (yeah, yeah). Somehow my good intentions don't produce results (ha ha) and some things (or some boys) just have to come first when time is limited. I know you understand. :)

I've been taking more time this summer to organize and clean out more spaces in our home. Even when I do it in one place, get rid of what I don't need, organize what's left, it seems like within a few weeks I look back at the same space and still need to keep paring down! It's amazing the correlation between freeing up space in your home and freeing up space in your mind. It feels like when I create more physical space, I get more mental space. It feels good and then it feels scary.

The more clutter I remove from my home is wonderful, but getting rid of the clutter in my mind is more complicated. I like that I have more mental space to be creative, but what I don't like is what I find underneath that clutter. Buried deeply are the negative feelings I don't want to face, the relationships I don't know how to mend, the people who have hurt me, the deepest fears in my heart that after many years, still exist. Life isn't simple, just as people aren't. And sometimes, letting go, realizing that you can't control everything (or maybe anything), is the hardest part.

I've been singing this song over and over in my head the last few days, especially a certain chorus. I turn it on loud in my headphones or on the music player, and when these words come on, I feel the layers of walls I've carefully built to protect myself, start to peel away, and then crumble in a pile at my feet, and there, there is my heart, vulnerable, completely raw. The way most of us begin, before the scar tissue builds up and we become masters of sarcasm, brushing off rejection and turning our hurt into stoic hate. So I listen to this chorus, because what really matters if this doesn't? Trusting Him fully, at least for this moment:

So I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe
of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

("The Stand" by Hillsong UNITED)

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School, Travel, Home, Repeat

It’s been since the first day of this year that you’ve heard from me. Yikes!!! But, there’s actually a good reason. Many good reasons. Let me fill you in.

Once the holiday season wound down, big M started Pre-school, I mean “Pre-K” (sorry, big M). Apparently, there’s a big difference and he is quite specific when he tells me that his class is not Pre-school. 

First Day of Pre-school K!

 And that very night...he ended up in the Emergency Room with 4 stitches resulting from bedtime wrestling. Boys...

Then a few days later, he sabotaged the school haircut I paid good money for. Apparently, he has his own ideas of a good hairstyle. We're supposed to encourage our kids to be creative, right?

 He started school January 8 and it was NOT the easiest transition. He started out excited, for the first day, and then all he talked about was that he didn’t want to go. I spent a lot of time agonizing over the decision of whether to send him or not, but ultimately I decided it was time. Then came his anxiety. He would resist going the whole evening before, all morning, all the way to school, and then once we got to his classroom and got him settled in his chair, he would look up at me and smile and say, “Bye!” I knew he was having fun when he was there, but when your child is hurting or anxious, a parent feels it too, so I had a hard time as well. Then, of course, I went through the whole “Am I doing the right thing?”, “Am I wounding my child for the rest of his life?”, “Am I a terrible stay-at-home mom by sending him to school when I’m sure the “best” parents would homeschool?”, "Or, should I have sent him sooner so this transition would have been easier?", etc...seriously, you can't win these arguments with yourself. I went through a lot of other scenarios in my mind, talked to a lot of people, prayed about it, and ultimately listened to my gut. We decided he needed to stick with it and get through the transition. In the end, I couldn’t be happier with our decision. Sure, it took him several months to adjust, but there were good reasons that are now no longer an issue (I’m glad he likes being home with me so much). And now he loves school. He doesn't want to leave when I come to pick him up at the end of the day. He goes Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday each week. He tells me all about his “best friend”, and has had the opportunity to play Pee-Wee basketball,

 and baseball, 

 on Friday mornings which he LOVES. He comes home everyday and literally dumps two piles of sand from his shoes on the carpet, but I know how much he loves playing outside with his friends, so I don’t mind my daily vacuuming job. He is so proud of his crafts and shows me all the school work he’s completed after each week is over. He’s more self-assured in social interactions, and actually seems more mature and confident in general. I’m so proud of him. I’m so sure of our decision to send him there, and so, so proud of how he’s come through his uncertainty and begun to thrive in his school environment. A life lesson, I’m sure.

We found some puddles. Mommy finally gave in to the splashing. We got very muddy. And we liked it.

Now, little M and I have special time together and I get to run errands, clean the house, and do my “stuff” with only one child with me. It’s amazing how much more productive I am and how much less tense and stressful grocery shopping is. You know what I mean?!! Everyone told me (or maybe I just unknowingly lied to myself) that once the boys were a little older, I would be able to reason with them better and they would understand how to behave for a grocery store or Target trip. NOT TRUE!!! They just have MORE energy and physically can’t sit still. There is so much fighting, pushing, whining, complaining about who gets to sit on which side of the car-cart, that I don’t know what I’m even putting in my cart. I just want to walk down the aisle, stick my arm out and pull everything off the row and let it fall into my cart as I pass by just so I can say I’m done and go to the checkout counter. It’s funny how the two of them together almost team up against me, but when I have just one, either of them, we talk about what we’re doing, working like teammates, and I can actually think about what’s going in the cart.

Waiting on a car repair. :)

Mason with his "best friend" (in the green shirt), and another buddy

Another thing that made big M’s school adjustment take a little longer, as well as a reason my blog has been so silent, is that we were gone. A lot. Here’s what our schedule was for February and March:

Week 1: We all went to visit my family in Washington State

Week 2: Home, weekend overnight trip for a wedding

Week 3: Mike and I went to Orlando, FL where he had meetings (and we snuck in a few extra days to celebrate our anniversary)

Week 4: Home

Week 5: We all went to Park City, UT (more meetings for Mike) and went skiing

Week 6, 7: Home, whew

Week 8: We all went to Nashville, TN to meet up with my mom for spring break

The cousins in Washington!

 Park City, UT

 2nd year skiers!

 Hanging in pajamas at the Gaylord Opryland Resort and Convention Center in Nashville, TN

 My little buddies

 The whole family at President Andrew Jacksons Estate, The Hermitage

 Me and my mother (who has fewer wrinkles than I do...argh)

Each week between trips when we were home, all I did was laundry, grocery shopping, and then packing again for the next trip, and during this time we were also enrolled in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, so we had weekly meetings to attend (highly recommend this class). I didn’t have time to do much else, so since we’ve been back from Nashville, I’ve been trying to do some spring-cleaning and get some final organizing projects completed before summer hits. 

Random: You may think I'm weird, but I loved these white glasses so much that I got them as prescription glasses. Now I wear them all the time. At home. They are so bright white, they kind of make my teeth look yellow. But I don't care. I'm still a little shy to wear them in public because they kind of say, "Look at me". I'm working on being brave about that. I'll let you know how it goes.

I want to be able to sit and enjoy my summer as much as possible. I have started some long-overdue décor projects, which I can share more with you another time. Those are fun, though. Going through old junk - not so fun, but necessary…I know this summer will be busy enough with family visits, beach trips to Lake Michigan and swimming lessons, but so far we have no plans to travel. And right now, I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

Happy New Year, but...let's talk about last year

December 31, errr, I mean January 1, 2013, 1:09 AM.

These days, when I have an ounce of energy in me to write, I must take advantage.

I don’t know yet what my resolutions will be this year. I’m running behind schedule, so I’m not ready to make any declarations. What I have done, is reflect a bit over what 2012 brought to my life.

Last year was an important year for me. Mason turned 4, Max turned 3, I turned 32, me and the hubs celebrated our 9^th anniversary, I lost 24 pounds (and still going), I did a major purging and organizing of clothing, closets, under-beds, drawers, cupboards, desks, toys, college papers, storage, and even went through everything in the upper storage level of our garage.  In many ways, I feel like a new woman, and I’m ready to start this year with a new perspective.  I thought I could share with you some important things I learned this year:

1. Things don’t make me happy.

            As if I didn’t already know that, and it seems so obvious, but sometimes I still forget. Sometimes I want to live in a nicer house. Sometimes I want new clothes, or furniture, or a perfectly decorated room, or the perfectly sized, colored and shaped tiered fruit tray for my kitchen counter. Some of those things I got this year, and most of them I didn’t (still sad about the fruit tray). But what I realized was that despite some new things (who doesn’t love some new clothes) they really didn’t make me any happier, and despite not getting other things, I’m still pretty happy with my life. It’s too easy for me to get caught up in thinking something I buy will fill my heart with joy. Losing weight helps, but it doesn’t solve problems of the heart. Organizing feels amazing, but it too doesn’t bring lasting peace and happiness. Let me tell you, these things do bring me joy, but only for a fleeting moment, and then when the feeling is gone, it only feels worse. You can’t buy or organize your way to happiness. It’s true. Sometimes I try. It still doesn’t work.

2. I need a break sometimes.

            I’ve been on my soapbox many times about this one, but as an introvert at heart (sometimes I hide it well), I need quiet time to reflect, refocus, rejuvenate, relax and recharge (can you think of any more words that started with “re”?). This year has been ridiculously awful at allowing me time to do that. I can’t actually blame the year, but more myself, my lack of awareness and action in making that a priority. Unfortunately, I spent most of this year very stressed, overwhelmed and fittingly, the year ended in some relatively serious health conditions thanks to my striving to try to be everything. And I don’t even try to be a “Pinterest Mom” (if you are, I think that’s fabulous, it’s just not me). I don’t do fancy birthday parties, I love when dinner is just Chipotle, and if you drop by, my house probably isn’t clean. I’m just trying to get through a normal day like most people. So after several rounds of antibiotics (almost finished with my last course), some X-rays, steroids, and over a week literally spent in bed, I’m finally getting some energy back and starting to feel like myself again. The point is, to pace myself before I get to the point of burnout so this doesn’t happen again. And this isn’t just for introverts. All mom’s repeat after me: “It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to need a break. I’m taking the break.”

3. I love my kids SO much.

            I know, I know. We all love our kids and think they are the most amazing people ever. Great! That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? I fell in love with mine a little more this year as I got to know them better. Each year as they get a little older I learn a little more about who they are and the nuances of their little personalities. Or maybe I should say BIG personalities…ahem…Max. What a gift to be able to watch a child grow and learn about life, it’s beauty and it’s heartache. It’s hard to imagine it being possible, but my love for them grows deeper every year that passes. I’m so grateful for another year of life I get to spend with them, especially when I know not every family is as lucky.

4. I don’t want to give up.

            Sometimes, I really just want to throw in the towel. When friends and family move away (you 2 girls in North Carolina, you know who you are, xoxo), sometimes it hurts and you wait and wait for it to feel better, and when you think it’s been enough time that it should, it still doesn’t, you still feel raw. You still miss weekly playdates or crocheting together at Starbucks. Pretending you’re fine and acting tough doesn’t help either. Just face it. Cry. Let yourself feel the sadness and loneliness. It’s okay. Time helps, but don’t worry if it takes longer than you think to feel better. It just shows that you let people into your heart, maybe more than you realized, and that’s a good thing. You can’t replace a relationship, but old and new friends will remind you that you’re important and to keep going, that no matter how lonely you feel for certain people, it doesn’t mean you’re actually alone.

5. And finally, it’s good to try new things.

            This year I tried some new workout classes, Zumba and Hip Hop. They made me feel both like an uncoordinated dork and like maybe I could be the next J. Lo (or not, sadly). Nobody likes to feel uncool, but sometimes putting yourself out there, going out of your comfort zone, makes you feel amazing and makes you less scared of tackling something even bigger the next time. I read some great books which were new genre’s for me, granted most of them were about North Korea’s work camps and Auschwitz (I’m going to pick some lighter reading for this year), but I learned a lot about humanity, the great extent of evil people can be capable of and also a great compassion we can show. One thing new that’s happening in my life in a week, is that Mason is starting pre-school. I know it’s in the middle of the year, but it was the right time for us. He goes back and forth between being really excited about it, to telling me he doesn’t want to go because he’s nervous. I’m confident he’ll love it once he tries it, but like all things new, you don’t always know what you’re getting in to and you have to kind of jump in and hope you’ve done all you could to prepare for it. I’m excited and I think he’ll do really well. I know there will be many other new things happening this year, but I don’t know what they are. Until then, I’ll try to get ready for whatever 2013 throws at me.

Back to the present. My mother-in-law is leaving in the morning. What a blessing she has been to us during my recovery. More than all the laundry, cooking and child-caring she has done, she is a steady, constant source of love, encouragement, and friendship in my life. I feel so blessed that this is a relationship I know will be one of the most central in my life for many, many years to come. As my emotions go all over the place struggling with the challenges of raising children, she supports me with a grace, eloquence and with godly advice, reminding me that someone greater is taking care of me, seeing my tears, holding my heart and leading me back to Him every time I start to wander away.

In 2013, may I wander from Him less and cling to Him more. THAT is what really makes me happy.

Coming Home.

About a week ago, I returned from a two week trip with the little guys to my beloved Pacific Northwest. It was a very busy time for Mike at work so it was the perfect chance to spend some time with my sister and her three girls in Washington, without Mike feeling bad that he had to work long hours and without me feeling as bad for leaving him alone for so long (I still did, but he had a lot of fun on his own, camping, motorcycle riding...so don't feel too bad for him, ha ha).  

 

My sis and I had fun watching our kids run around in the yard we grew up in, rolling in the grass and splashing around in the kiddie pool. I've always wanted to take my kids to my old home during summer (usually we're there when it's cold), so they could enjoy the warm dry air (not like humid summers in Chicago), the ice-cream truck that drives down the street in the late afternoon, the pink and purple sunsets filling the sky, walking along the Columbia River, and fun times like the local county fair where I showed a sheep many summers ago. 

We had an incredible time. It was wonderful to see my parents, grandparents, cousins and some old friends.  We rode our bikes the five blocks to the school I attended for first through tenth grades where my mom still works. They've purchased additional land and have a new daycare building, but they still have the tall old swings where you go up so high you feel like you might not come down.

It was such a fun trip, but after day fifteen, I was tired from single-parenting (Mike is a huge help with the kids), and exhausted from staying up late watching movies or just talking after all five kids were finally in bed. After our long day of flying, we were all so happy to be reunited with Mike at the airport, that a complete stranger asked if they could take a picture of us because we looked so happy!

I noticed something funny after I got home this time. Usually, when I return home from a trip, I'm eager to unpack my belongings and put my suitcases away quickly so I can jump back into normal life. What I realized is that these homecomings are different. When I return from Washington, my bags lay open on the floor and I continue to live out of them for days, almost dreading to unpack and acknowledge an end to those fun moments, to wonderful memories of the past, playing everyday with my sister.

Coming home to Chicago is a reminder of something different. Instead of the sunny, warm memories I'm trying to re-live through my children (ha, ha), I am greeted with the beautiful life God has blessed me with here and the future we have together, a wonderful, loving husband and my two hilarious, active, hungry, snuggly boys. I'm just so excited to keep creating memories for them, that will make them enjoy coming home, for years to come.

Here are a few fun moments from our trip!

Right after arriving, we met up with my cousin and her 3 boys at Taco Time in Spokane.

 Then we stopped by the house my sister is building. I had been dying to see it, and have been helping her make house-related decisions. It's almost done!

Lately, Max always has something in his mouth. Apparently, even when he's sleeping.

An Ice-cream truck treat after swimming. 

 Have you noticed I have very few pictures of Mason? He's always out playing somewhere!

The kids loved going out to swim in the pool any time they wanted, multiple times throughout the day.

All dressed up for church! 

We had a birthday party for one of my nieces while we were there.

Happy 5th birthday! It was a Luau party. The cake was a beach, with horses, as requested by the birthday girl.

The birthday princess.

Big sister lost her 3rd tooth, a top one!

 It's hard to beat a warm summer evening.

I can't believe this girl is 6 1/2 already!

The big 5 year-old.

My little Max, 2 1/2, wearing his favorite shirt.

Pizza at the fair, anyone?

How about some gigantic yellow balloons?

Did you ever stare in awe at the fair rides?

Max makes garlic bread. :)

Max trying to keep up with Uncle Troy.

Sweet little baby!

Reunited!

I hope you've spent some time with those you love this summer, too!