Day 20. Pictures.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, and today I wanted to share some pictures with you. Few words, many pictures. 

 My writing place at my sister's house. Peace. Quiet. Tea. Perfect.

Driving through her "neighborhood".

My must-stop place in Spokane.

Another "neighborhood" shot. I love wide open spaces.

The "young" girls set of the girl-weekend crew. My cousin and I dressed completely alike, by complete accident, believe it or not. And all three of us got the "tall brown boots" memo.

Oh my word. This is a great new lunch/coffee spot in Cheney. 

Lunch for three.

 Go ahead. Swoon over those tin ceiling tiles and the mason jar chandelier. I sure did.

  

Time to go already?

Smiles and swings. Two things that go very well together.

The "baby".

The "tomboy".

The "ballerina".

Come on, get with it, Chicago. I can't believe you don't have one of these!

Table side 1.

Table side 2.

Someday.

Some sweet mom-friends at Alumni Weekend at HAA. Maybe I shouldn't have worn heels. Ha!

I'll leave you with this set of pictures. Three little helpers putting chairs away. Max is in the middle. It was adorable. And they did it perfectly. Well done, boys.

Day 19. Board Games.

Sometimes, it's a lot easier for me to zone-out, to stay in that blasé, neutral, nothing space than get up, be focused and be present and involved in my world. Especially, when it's already been a long day. But I never feel good about staying in that disconnected place, so I'm trying to be intentional about staying focused on the "here and now" and keeping mentally present. It's easy for me to set up a train set, and then sit down to check Facebook while the boys play with it, instead of playing with them. And it's easy to say I'll come outside to read while they kick around a soccer ball, instead of kicking it with them.

We had a long day today. It was alumni weekend at Mason's school and we were there for much of the day. We enjoyed a meaningful church service and catching up with friends. The boys, who have needed naps for a few days, had a blast running around with their friends, but immediately got less able to handle themselves after we came home. 

Often, I disconnect when they get fussy, but since I was trying something different, I dragged myself out of a chair and decided to get out some kid-friendly board games. We've never really tried to play them by the real rules, because they have been too young in the past, but now they are old enough to handle the concepts and practice a little more patience. We played a matching game, and an alphabet animal game. They were a little skeptical at first, not wanting to take time to play by the rules, but ended up loving both games. We had a lot of smiling, laughing and cheering. They got upset when someone was ahead of them, but then we worked through it. It was so much fun, for me too. I was especially proud of Mason, who didn't end up winning any of the rounds we played (even when I tried to help his chances). He still kept a smile on his face and came back for more. It's hard to lose to your little brother and your mommy, but it's also real life. Nobody wins everything all the time. In fact, we most often don't win, but keeping that separate from our self-worth is the key. And probably is especially hard to do when you are very young.

Just like in board games, life things don't always go as we'd like, but you have to keep trying to do your best and enjoy the ride. Life really isn't about how many times we win. Today, we had fun along the way, and I think love was the real winner.

What was most interesting to me, is that because I chose to connect instead of disconnect, I actually felt more energized, happier, and much more fulfilled. It's funny, what engaging in your relationships can do. I think I need to do it more often.

Day 17 & 18. Furnace and Friends.

Today, I'm writing for both yesterday and today. Yesterday, threw me off my game, but I'm back tonight.

Yesterday morning, we had cable installed in our home. We haven't had anything but local channels for several years, and really didn't mind, because we've had many other valuable things to spend our time on, but we were constantly having trouble with our TV reception in the middle of important sporting games and events, and Mike was ready to do something about it. It's through the same company we already have internet service with, so it was only a bit more money per month to add on some peace of mind and extra sports coverage for Mike. The benefit for me is that I will now have HGTV, which has most of my favorite shows.

The reason I'm sharing this is that I returned late Wednesday, and had to be ready for the cable guy to show up at 8:00 am the next morning. It all went fine, but I'm never in my normal routine when someone is working in my house, so I'm not as productive. He didn't leave until close to 11 (there were a few unexpected issues). So I was trying to keep Max entertained and quiet while he was here,  and I didn't have time to shower after sleeping in a bit and getting Mason off to school. I was sure my day would get right back on track, maybe do someone laundry from my trip, go to the grocery store, etc. It was still very cold in the house, so I turned on the furnace for the first time this season and told Max we could check out some cartoon channels. He and I had barely sat down, when I heard a loud pop. Then I heard water gushing. And gushing. Then I realized it wasn't the dishwasher. I walked back to the mud/laundry/furnace room and there I saw a relief valve from the furnace pouring out, onto the floor, black, steaming fluid. And it was pouring, not dripping. Luckily, we have a drain in the center of the room, but it wasn't keeping up at the time and the watery liquid was starting to pool. I immediately flipped the switch on the furnace to "off", but the stuff kept coming. I picked up a few dry things I didn't want damaged and threw them on top of the dishwasher. Then, I remembered where the main water shut off was to the whole house and decided that was my best option to stop the fluid because it seemed to be mostly water. I turned the valve to "off", and waited while black water still filtered out,  but at a slower pace. I moved a container underneath the stream of liquid, but that filled very quickly and was soon overflowing as we'll. Then, I ran around frantically, looking for my phone, wondering if I should call 911 (no, silly), but settled on the management company in charge of our rental. Mike had the only current contact number, so I called him about 6 times before he answered. He called them for me and within a few minutes, a never-looked-so-beautiful-to-me, Adventist Hinsdale Hospital (we rent our home from them) maintenance truck pulled in the driveway. The leak had now slowed down to a slow drip.  The maintenance crew came in and assessed the problem right away, telling me I did the right thing by shutting the water off to stop the leak. They left to get the part they needed and came back with not only the part, but a wet vac to clean up the messy floor. I was especially glad to have our new cartoon channels to keep Max occupied and give me some time to relax. We enjoyed watching a few shows together. The maintenance crew finished, and if you didn't know what had just happened, you wouldn't even have suspected it! They left it that clean. Then I had just a little while before getting big M from school. What a day. I really thought our whole house might flood. I was pretty terrified for a few moments.

That was my yesterday. Today was much more relaxed. Max and I played with motorized trains and wooden trains. I did some cleaning and some catch-up after being gone for a whole week. Then for supper, we went to Sweet Tomatoes with our friends, Jake and Kelsey, which ended in lots of laughter and our kids running around in chaos and making friends with other kids at the restaurant. It was lovely.

I'm hoping for another lovely day tomorrow. Good night, friends. :)

Day 16. Home.

I made it home tonight, meeting up with my mother-in-law outside my gate as I deplaned, hugging and chatting for a few minutes as she headed to her flight to Kansas. You'd have a very hard time convincing me that I don't have the best in-laws ever.

My boys drove up to pick me up after I got my luggage, and the little ones begged me to sit in the back middle seat between them. They told me stories of fun times from the past week and we giggled, holding hands the whole way. Mason fell asleep on my shoulder within ten minutes, and Max sang "I've got everything that I need, right in front of me" from The Muppets, but only if I sang with him. They smothered me with kisses, hugs, and love.

It's good to be home.

Day 15. The last night.

Today we debated whether we should go to some new antique shops we had heard about, or go to our favorite mall, and then where to eat afterward. After some thought, instead, my sister and I decided we'd rather have a low-key day. So rather than hurrying around and rushing for my last day in Washington, we made food together, talked about our made-up rules of home decor, and jumped together on the trampoline with my three nieces. It was a fun day. We just enjoyed being together. I liked the way our day ended up. I got to "be" with my sister. That's what I miss most while being far away from her.

So tonight is my last night here. And that means we are going to party hard (at least as much as us thirty-something moms, on a school night, are willing to do). Tonight, that probably means some tea and a Jane Austen movie.

Good night. And farewell from Washington, the rolling farm fields, evergreen trees, peaceful quiet, and cool crisp air.

I'm coming home, boys. Missed you like crazy.

Day 14. Just me.

I'm not sure what it is. Are the writing exercises working? Is my extra quiet time the answer? Time spent looking at beautiful rolling hills? A quiet in my environment I could never dream of finding in the Chicago suburbs? Or maybe it's all the little dissociating activities I've cut from my life that can make this happen. Maybe it's a combination of these things, but whatever it is, I'm finding myself with greater mental clarity, feeling more in touch with my emotions, and I have an internal calm that has been missing before.

Several weeks ago, maybe even a month or two, I started slowly cutting things out of my life, that I enjoyed, maybe too much, and that kept me busy and kept my mind distracted. I chose these things and let them be a part of my life, often giving each of them significant time and energy, and certainly space in my head. And to be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with any of these things, but for me, I chose to cut them out because I was spending too much energy on them and I wanted to try life in a more simple way for a while, basically, to peel away the layers of distraction until further notice.

I didn't stop everything all at once, just one thing at a time as it felt right. Here's what I did: I stopped all non-essential shopping, painting my nails, wearing jewelry (except for my wedding bands), drinking coffee, wasting time online, playing games on my phone, and made a conscious effort to listen to my heart instead of just doing what I thought would please others.

As a result, besides having a headache for a week (thank you, dear old friend coffee), I am surprised how much more I feel like myself. Getting through the first few days of any major changes to your lifestyle is the hardest, and I'm sure it comes and goes, but from what I've gained, I am sure it was worth the discomfort.

Today, I really, really feel like, Melissa. I feel more connected to who I am, what I want from life, what's important to me, and how to make choices I will feel good about. I don't know if I will start back up with one of those items tomorrow, or in a month, or when. But for now, today, I feel great. And I am learning how to listen to my heart, my mind, my feelings, and I even feel more connected to God. It's like there's less in the way, less stuff I'm putting between my raw, honest self and my God. Less that I'm hiding behind, less that I'm trying to be. And while it seemed scary at first, what I've found behind all the clutter, is a person I actually like. A person who is enough.

It's just me now. And it's not so bad.

Day 13. Imperfect-ness.

It's a whirlwind over here. Just like that, all the girls traveled back to their respective homes, except for me (I came back up to my sisters place), and I'm glad to enjoy a few more days with my sis.

On our way, we stopped by to visit one of my dear friends, Nicole. I really miss her and her family in our lives since they moved this summer. They used to live just a few miles from us. Mason and Max had each made their buddy, Nicole's son, a handmade card, full of lots of love (even getting up early before school to make it) and I was happy to bring them along, to hand deliver.

I can't stop thinking about how much love went into those cards. How imperfect they are, with smeared colors, funny drawings, writing that isn't perfect, but how much more it reflects my boys than something made at a factory. They selected each color, picked each sticker, colored on top of some, and told me what to write. Max even signed his own name at the end, written perfectly backwards. And that's life.

Embrace your imperfect-ness. It makes you, you.

Day 12. Being real and being outnumbered.

Obviously, the last few days I've been doing shorter posts and this is because I've been spending time with people I don't get to see very often, so they take priority right now. I'm still trying, though, to keep up with my commitment to post every day for 31 days focused on Letting Love Win.

Today was another day of typical girl-weekend activities for us. Lots of talking, lots of making and eating good food, more talking, some nail painting, looking at 50-year old family photos, and then a fun movie. Sometimes, letting love win is just letting love in. And letting love in can mean letting people in, not pushing them away. This weekend feels like that. Sometimes we talk about the memories, the good and the bad. It's not always pretty, it's not always fun, but it's real. And I like real. And it helps me understand where I came from and who I am today. And that helps me know how to be better for my family, now. Looking into the past is valuable if it can help you with he present.

And right now I miss my boys. My red-headed sporty boy, my brown-eyed snuggler, and my blue-eyed love. But, I'm trying to enjoy every moment with these precious ladies, until I come back to my boy-filled world.  Because sometimes, for a few days I suppose, it's kind of nice not to be outnumbered.

Day 11. A poem.

Short and sweet, and needing sleep,
But driving, eating, laughing deep.

Sisters, cousins, mothers, aunts,
Chatting in some cozy pants.

Shopping, talking, making food,
Girl weekends aren't made for dudes.

That's all.

Day 10. A Good List.

Tonight, I'm giving you a list. Ten things I did today in no particular order.

1. Ate Cheetos with my nieces (who gifted me with a bag of them on my bed when I arrived)
2. Enjoyed a 16 oz. drinking chocolate (spicy maya)
3. Spent several hours alone in the house, writing pages for my writing assignments (Yay!)
4. Watched "Austenland" in a funky/hipster/cool downtown theater that had only 33 seats
5. Video-chatted with all my boys!
6. Sipped hot Christmas tea while staring out the window at the evergreen trees and rolling hills
7. Took pictures of an old barn and two resting combines (I can't upload pics right now, bummer)
8. Had supper at Taco Time (mmm....crispy pinto burritos)
9. Ate my sister's AMAZING homemade pumpkin cake (why is most of this list food-related?)
10. Prayed for peace and patience as I work through these old wounds.

Have a blessed night!

Day 9. Halfway.

I wish I could say I was halfway done with the writing assignments that go along with my healing process, but I can't. I can, however, say that I'm halfway across the country on my trip to "The Inland Empire", also known as, Spokane, WA. I promise that's what it's called. Sounds pretty fancy, huh?

Right now, I'm sitting in Denver (forgive me if blogging from the iPad causes errors, again), one of my favorite airports. Thankfully, Direct TV gave me free wifi-TV so I got to watch several of my favorite HGTV home shows on the flight here. But, back to this lovely city. It will always be one of my favorite places on earth. It's where Mike and I moved right after our wedding, where we built a life together, bought a home and started our family. Five and a half years it was our home, and still feels like home just being in this airport.

In a few hours I'll be back in the state of my very first home. It's fun to look back at the good old memories, but I wouldn't trade what life has thrown my way, for anything. It's good to be pushed, good to stretch, good to grow. It's good to make new friends, to go new places, be a little uncomfortable sometimes. What's funny to me now, is how Chicago feels familiar, homey, and right these days. It really is less about the place you are and more about the people, my husband and my two boys.

This is an oldie, but I love it.

Tonight, I'm not really halfway home. Not until I'm going in the other direction.

Day 8. In the Fog.

Today I'm in a fog. I want to get started working on things, but I am side-tracked by the fact that I'm flying across the country tomorrow afternoon for a week. By myself. I'm really excited to see my sister and have some special time with a few family members, and although I don't get the chance to see all my beloved relatives, this is a special once-a-year trip that includes a girl's weekend with a few of my closest female familials. 

Naturally, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold today (how does that always happen on vacation?), but in 24 hours I'll be getting close to being able to take care of myself for a whole week. Mike's parents are helping us out here with the boys by coming in shifts which helps me be able to leave for so long with greater peace of mind. 

Every time I leave, I think about the boys constantly, but I also need a break sometimes and I can think of no better way to recuperate and rest-up than with my sister, drinking tea and watching Jane Austen movies.

Ready or not, sister. Here I come!

Day 7. Treading Water.

Today was a return to our normal routine. Mason back at school and Max and I playing and running errands to Home Depot and Costco. After school, we played outside, flying kites, riding bikes, and kicking the soccer ball around. Then I took the boys to get haircuts. It was time for supper and we were hungry, so on the way home we grabbed some Taco Bell and then ate our food on picnic tables outside.

All the information from this past weekend is still rolling around in my head and I have yet to get it all mentally sorted. I will tell you about the crying I promised to tell you about, though. Ha.

We had been in the seminar about 3 hours when our lunch break came and after getting my food, I sat next to a lady who had been sitting near me during the morning session. I was surprised that our presenters sat down, one right next me, and the other just across the table. They had been very gracious during breaks, allowing people to ask questions about their situations and then passing on tidbits of information specific to the person's particular need. I got really nervous, but knew that this was my only chance to ask a few questions regarding my own memories and experiences. (I have to add that this all makes me laugh now, because the night before, after the first day of the seminar, I had seen my neighbor and he had asked me if there were a lot of tears during the session, and I had responded that there weren't. He should have asked me last night! Ok, back to the lunch table...) At a break in the conversation, I looked up at the very distinguished man sitting across the table, opened my mouth, said about three words of a sentence when, suddenly I couldn't control myself. The lump in my throat rose, the corners of my mouth warped, and I cried. Helplessly, horribly, no-holding-back, tears flowing, trying to compose myself to ask the rest of the question. Here I was sitting in front of this brilliant man, who has changed thousands of people's lives, traveled all over the world, authored many books, and here he was sitting in front of me and all I could do was cry like a baby. And do you know what I thought to myself? I thought, Oh no! He must think I'm crazy. What is WRONG with me? Then it hit me. Actually, I bet this is NOT the first time this has happened to him. Besides, what can I do about it now? Then I thought about everyone else sitting calmly, eating their lunches right around me. A little embarrassing. I feel like a child, I thought, and I just showed everyone that I'm weak! But maybe it's the child inside me that needs to be heard and healed. I did feel embarrassed, but after he shared some brief insights with me about my life that were spot-on (that he surmised from only a few basic facts he asked me to tell him) while seeming to be completely unaffected by my crying, the rest of the people at my table, were empathetic, supportive, and shared how they related in their own situations. Within a few minutes, I didn't end up feeling embarrassed at all. I felt supported, heard, loved, and not alone.

It's hard to show weakness in public, especially when you usually try hard to keep yourself pulled together emotionally. Thankfully, I'm still glad I did it, that I wasn't more afraid of making a spectacle of myself, than I was of asking the man for help. What he shared meant a lot to me, and I'm glad that somehow I came up with the courage to ask.

So now I'm here. I mustered up the strength to make the first phone call to sign up for the class. Maybe that's like being at the shoreline, and deciding to get in the water. Then I stuck to my decision, and actually went to both classes, listened intently, and took notes ferociously. Maybe that's like wading into the water, even though it's uncomfortably cold and your feet still touch the bottom. Now, I've got all this information in my head, and I even sort of DO know where I need to start to begin moving forward and healing. Maybe this place is like going out into the middle of the river and treading water, not really going anywhere yet, even if you sort of know how you're supposed to swim, but so far out that you have to keep moving to keep your head above water. Those feet can't feel the riverbed anymore.

Today, I'm treading water.
Tomorrow? We'll see.

Day 6. Wading In.

Today was a big day. In fact, it was so big, and my brain took in so much information, that I'm typing this on my phone from bed. I'm going to sleep in a minute, but I wanted to share that this seminar has been life-altering, earth-shattering and mind-blowing when it comes to the amount of information I've learned. I'll plan to give a few brief points tomorrow of some of my big "aha" moments, and share with you the very awkward time I broke into uncontrolled crying.

Growing can be hard. It takes courage. And you have to be brave to risk looking silly, or weak. But it's worth it.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Day 5. Learning begins.

I made it through today! Sometimes that's quite an accomplishment.

We slept in later than we planned, but went to church. Then we stayed longer at church, talking with friends, than we'd planned, so when we got home, I scrapped the fancy homemade pasta dinner plans for chick-patty sandwiches. Thanks to switching up the meal, I was able to still eat and get to my seminar on time.

The seminar was awesome. I learned about how events in our early childhood affect us, often before we know how to verbalize it, and how events that happen between ages 3-7 are tested against the paradigm we've built from birth-age 2. Wow. Lots more ahead for tomorrow. Although I enjoyed today's presentation, I'm looking forward to learning what I can do, now, to move forward and work through past hurts.

No one comes from a perfect family because that doesn't exist in our world. But I still want to be a better mother and help make my family more trusting, more open, and more safe as my children learn to navigate life.

Day 4. Push.

Change can be hard. But if we never push ourselves and allow change in our lives, we may miss the chance to grow, to learn, to become better. Choosing love over fear can be like this.

I made a decision last week to do something out of my comfort zone, but something I hope will allow some positive change in my life. I'm attending a 2-day "Why?" seminar this weekend. It's purpose is to help you look at parental relationships, how absent parents or different types of abuse and addictions in families have affected one's mindset and then how to begin healing, all from a Christian perspective. While I'm not someone with the worst-case scenario, I also know I have some work to do if I want to be in a healthier place and have better habits as I guide my own children. 

Diving into serious topics like this can be emotionally overwhelming, but I'm ready. I'm ready to face it, if it can bring positive change for our family.

So here I go. I'm choosing love, choosing change, discomfort, going out of my box, and instead of running away, I'm looking my fear in the face. 

The first session starts tomorrow afternoon.

Day 3. Perspective.

It's Day 3 in my 31 days of writing about "Letting Love Win". Sometimes, whether you realize you have something or not depends on your perspective. It's easy to focus on the thing that's wrong, but miss the many things that are right. Tonight, I decided to think about the way love shows up in my life. And when you really start thinking about it, you can probably find it in more places than you'd expect.

A few "Love" moments recently:

The boys bring me leaves, twigs, weeds, flowers, branches, or rocks. They don't just want me to hold whatever it is, it's a special gift they picked out just for me. Melts me.

Friends, being more awesome than I expected. Sharing life and being real.

My husband comes home from an 11-hour day at work and immediately jumps into play time with the kids. They might love him more than anyone else. Ever.

Sharing 80-degree October days in the backyard with friends, pools and popsicles.

Cheering for the blue team! Especially #17. 

We may have lost a tree, but we gained a fun stump. 

Brothers = Love

I will remind them as often as I have to.

Family. This family is love to me.

And just because, I love looking at old pictures to remember how far we've come. All the adventures, the learning about life and each other and what family means. Here are a few oldies.

There are plenty of my own issues to work through, but I feel so much love with these men in my life.

If you look for it you will find it.

Love wins. Again.

Day 2.

Yesterday, when Max and I went to get Mason from school, I made the decision to take them to IKEA. Trips like this were stress-inducing, plan my entire day around them, kind of trips in the past. There are some perks to kids getting older. While the ability to hold still for long periods of time is still not something I expect of them, I can usually get a quick errand in and we all come out in good moods and pretty happy. This has not always been the case. It could have gone very differently yesterday. 

As we walked past the childcare area at IKEA, where you can check kids in to play while the adult shops, Max decided he REALLY wanted to go in. Mason, said yes at first, but then changed his mind. Of course, Max only wanted to go if Mason went and he really, really wanted to go. Mason was steadfast, not going to change his mind. Max got really upset and started jumping up and down in the middle of the floor, wailing/fussing/crying/yelling and making quite the scene. Normally, this sets off a panic inside of me, everyone around starts staring, and I start imagining what they are thinking (all very negative in my mind, of course) and my focus turns to stopping whatever it is that's causing everyone to stare at me, and to get ourselves invisible again so we can hurry and get out and back to the car.

That's when I did something different than my normal. (And let me just say, my normal is not good, and hopefully none of you are like me.) Instead of hushing him and getting stressed and trying to go about our business without resolving anyone's feelings, I squatted down to his level, looked straight in his eyes and just talked to him. I validated him. I told him I understood that he was frustrated and that I knew he really wanted to go and play. I empathized with him. I held him and felt sad with him. And I just let it be. I didn't try to convince him to feel otherwise. It was incredible. I didn't choose fear, which is my usual response, and would have meant running away from the situation. I chose to love him, to take one minute and show him I cared and that I really saw him. 

Within 30 seconds, he was totally calm. We started on our way and he looked up at me while holding on to the cart and walking beside me and said, "It's okay. We'll do it another time."

Yes, baby. We will. 

Love wins.

31 Days of Letting Love Win

It's possible I'm the worst fancy blogger. Tonight, I was all excited to do a link-up to another blog (don't worry if you don't know what that means, I don't really either) that is hosting it's annual "31 Days" blogging challenge. If you haven't heard of Nesting Place, it's a blog I've enjoyed for several years, mainly because I agree in her concept of "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful". The gist, is that each year in October, she challenges people to post on their blogs daily for the entire month. I've pondered it before, but this year, I'm awkwardly jumping in, kind of like the cat who swims when they have to, not because they really want to. Here's where the rest of the awkward comes in, I totally failed the link-up. I ended up posting a picture of the generic "no photo" graphic you are supposed to replace, as my actual photo. This is after I spent about an hour creating a cute little button to use, that if I can figure out how to post here, I will certainly do. No promises, though. Oh brother. Not perfect. Oh well. I'm still here writing and that's the most important part.

I'm in an interesting place right now, having come to some recent awareness of how childhood experiences have shaped my life. I'm not wanting to over-share and get too bogged down in things, but one thing I've learned from some of the very personal blogs I follow, is that their honesty has helped me feel like I'm not the only one working through past experiences. If it helps one person feel like they aren't alone, then I'm happy. My intent is not to hurt or expose anyone in my life unnecessarily, either, but rather to share how my journey goes this month.

So, to make a very long story short, each day this month, as I struggle to come to grips with facing old wounds, as well as be present and available to take care of my family (seriously, it is for THEM that I even feel I must go down this road and find healing), I want to focus on letting LOVE win. I am always making way for fear, for insecurity, for survival, rather than experiencing life fully. So, may LOVE win for the next 31 Days. (....And beyond! - A little nod to the Buzz Lightyear-loving boys in my house)

I'll test out my little button here, but if it doesn't work, I may have to edit it out.

file://localhost/Users/melissamurrill/Desktop/picmonkey_image.jpg

Update: It doesn't work. I don't know what I'm doing. Life goes on.

The Stand

I've been meaning to write for a while (yeah, yeah). Somehow my good intentions don't produce results (ha ha) and some things (or some boys) just have to come first when time is limited. I know you understand. :)

I've been taking more time this summer to organize and clean out more spaces in our home. Even when I do it in one place, get rid of what I don't need, organize what's left, it seems like within a few weeks I look back at the same space and still need to keep paring down! It's amazing the correlation between freeing up space in your home and freeing up space in your mind. It feels like when I create more physical space, I get more mental space. It feels good and then it feels scary.

The more clutter I remove from my home is wonderful, but getting rid of the clutter in my mind is more complicated. I like that I have more mental space to be creative, but what I don't like is what I find underneath that clutter. Buried deeply are the negative feelings I don't want to face, the relationships I don't know how to mend, the people who have hurt me, the deepest fears in my heart that after many years, still exist. Life isn't simple, just as people aren't. And sometimes, letting go, realizing that you can't control everything (or maybe anything), is the hardest part.

I've been singing this song over and over in my head the last few days, especially a certain chorus. I turn it on loud in my headphones or on the music player, and when these words come on, I feel the layers of walls I've carefully built to protect myself, start to peel away, and then crumble in a pile at my feet, and there, there is my heart, vulnerable, completely raw. The way most of us begin, before the scar tissue builds up and we become masters of sarcasm, brushing off rejection and turning our hurt into stoic hate. So I listen to this chorus, because what really matters if this doesn't? Trusting Him fully, at least for this moment:

So I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe
of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

("The Stand" by Hillsong UNITED)