Day 26. A photo update.

Here are some pictures of the past few days. Hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Day 24 & Day 25. Field Trip Fun and Finding Joy.

Yesterday, Max and I went with Mason and his class on a field trip to Kuipers Family Farm and Pumpkin Patch. It was so much fun, and I'll share some photos tomorrow, and the only difficult part of the day was the extremely cold temperatures.

Part-way through the day, Max started crying and couldn't stop. He was so cold that he couldn't walk and couldn't stop the tears and I decided we needed a little break. He and I headed to the car and ate our lunches snuggled up in the passenger seat with 80-degree air blowing on us for 30 minutes. Mason was having a fun time with his friends, and both Max and I felt better after our midday warm-up. On the way home, all the kids in my car, 4 kindergarten students and Max, fell asleep while their teacher and I chatted and enjoyed the pretty drive. It was a great day, and we were all ready for some rest after enduring the cold weather.

That evening, I had constituency meeting at the school. It was focused on updating the constituents and we didn't have anything to vote on or approve, so that made it pass more quickly. After the meeting, I enjoyed talking with several people and as soon as I got home, I felt the need to go straight upstairs and pray. I've been mulling this crazy idea in my head and it was time to really spend some time opening my heart to God about it. I don't have anything to share at this point except that I did feel some clarity on it, and yet I am continuing to pray and rest on the matter. I hope it will all be resolved soon, and for good this time. Then I will be able to explain. If you feel like sending up a prayer for me it would be greatly appreciated.

So, after my day yesterday, I chose to end it with prayer, and skip my blog post for the day, but there you have it. That was my yesterday.

Today, was low-key. I didn't run to Target like I meant too. I really needed a day to let everything else just be, so that's what we did. Max and I played, read stories, and he napped while I paid bills. After we got Mason from school, we played boys-against-mom football in the yard for a while, then they rode bikes and pulled each other in the sled. No, we don't have snow, but that doesn't stop them.

I really can't think of how to describe the difference I feel in my connection with the boys right now, except that I feel joyful. After all the changes I made that I discussed a while ago, my mind feels more and more free everyday as I dive deeper into opening my heart more fully and being present with my family. It's such an amazing gift, and I see changes in the boys as a result of my changes. They trust me more, they smile at me more, they get such joy on their faces when I play with them, and I feel a deeper sense of value, confidence in who I am, and true joy in my heart. This must be what it feels like when love is truly winning.

Day 23. Writing heals.

When I began the challenge of writing everyday for 31 days in the month of October, I wondered what I would write about every, single, next, day. Surprisingly, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be.

One of the sayings I latched onto in the seminar I attended earlier this month, was: The hand will write what the mouth can't say. In other words, if you are struggling with anything, stress, family issues, relationships, God, life in general, or anything else, writing can help you pull the feelings and thoughts out of your mind, lay them on paper, outside of you, and leave you feeling peaceful and free, or at the least, like you've started to head that way. Sometimes it's hard to verbalize what we are feeling, so using your hand to write, is another way of "saying" how you feel, with less pressure. Often, you end up with "aha" moments that in the long run, will help you deal with the particular issue, and also give you clarity.

One of my college professors, assigned us to write three full pages every morning in a journal, of anything and everything that came into our heads. This was supposed to help us start the day with clean minds, get the mental clutter out. It was hard trying to get up that early, because three pages take a while to write with a pen and paper. I didn't get to it every day, but it was a very valuable exercise. It's like there's a unconscious connection between our hands and our brains, and if we can free the pathway between them, and the words can just flow, and things you didn't know were bothering you will show up right there. Sometimes, I was amazed at what came out in those pages. I've had journals for years and still keep one (although sometimes a lot of time passes between entries because of my life stage). It's been a wonderful thing to look back in my journals, as the years pass, and see how the struggles that I went through, lead to healing, to understanding, or sometimes simply acceptance. And it's wonderful to see the happy moments and feel the excitement of those good times again.

If you haven't tried it, you should pick up some paper, grab a plain notebook, or a fancy journal, whatever you like, and start writing. Start by trying to fill up just one page per day, and add more if you can. I'm pretty sure you'd be glad you did, because at least from my experience, writing heals.

Day 22. Snow.

We had our first snow of the season today, with a high of 39. Just three weeks ago we were having 80 degree days and wearing shorts and tanks. Now we are hurriedly unpacking our coats and boots and remembering how cozy a long sweater feels with a bulky coat wrapping it tightly. I love living in a place with seasons, but usually they don't change so quickly. I could have enjoyed a few more weeks of 60s and 70s.

Mason is very independent these days and this morning on our way to school I realized we forgot to pack his warm winter jacket for recess. He had his uniform cardigan with him, but all his uniform shirts are short-sleeved. He had a wool coat in the car that I tried to get him to take as I dropped him off, but he didn't want it. I figured he'd get really cold and wish he'd have taken the coat and then next time he'd be sure to follow my "wise" advice. Ha, wishful mommy-thinking.

As Max and I drove to pick him up later in the day, I started worrying about him standing outside in the chilly rain (snow had turned to rain by this point) waiting for me with no coat. Then I saw him, and sure enough, not only did he have no coat on, but he didn't even have his cardigan on! He was wearing his short sleeved shirt in the 39 degree rainy weather! (Apparently, he does not take after me.) He must have lost his cardigan, right? Or he couldn't find it? Poor boy, he must be miserable and freezing. He will be SO relieved to get in the warm car. I pulled up, he got in the car and I asked him where his cardigan was. "In my backpack." What??? Then I asked him if he was cold. "No." Oh, wow, ok. Totally cool and non-chalant, this guy. It was almost like he was saying "Why would I need a coat when it's so balmy out there?" Or more likely, and this is sort of my scary reality, it was actually more like, "I've got this mom. I'm big now and I can kind of take care of myself."

And now I see, I get to let him spread his wings and look a little higher, even if he's not ready to fly away yet.  He's starting to stretch, test the boundaries, and build his confidence. It's weird and wonderful. And truthfully, he is ready, even if I'm not sure I am.

Day 21. It's a zoo out there.

It really didn't feel like a Monday, today. Mike had the morning free and Mason had no school, so we took advantage and headed out, as a family, to one of our favorite breakfast spots, Egg Harbor Cafe. After Mike headed to work, the boys and I took off for the zoo.

I've been wanting to take the boys to the zoo for several months because we haven't been there in several years, and I knew they would love it. So, today was the day! We spent over 6 hours trying to see as many animals as we could. I didn't take time to edit the photos from today, but I had to share them anyway.

The first animal we saw, a pygmy hippopotamus.

"Mommy! Look! A crocodile!"

See that grizzly? Here, he kept a safe distance.

And then he hobbled over, gaining speed, and then stood half-way up and leaning in, literally hit the window right where my boys were standing, with his gigantic. bigger-than-my-head, paw. We all jumped! And when we caught our breath, we all laughed. Nervously. It totally freaked me out, but it didn't scare the boys away. Then he did it again. And we all jumped, again. Poor bear. He needs something else to do.

He's ready to be a grizzly bear.

We stopped to play at the playground. This was the perfect day to go to the zoo. No one was there. No lines, no waiting, active animals...perfect.

 They loved the penguins.

When they see these head-hole photo options around the zoo, they go running for them.

Cheese!

He loved these colorful birds.

And here I thought he was getting so big. Haha.

The snow leopard was Max's favorite animal today.

You can't tell, but there's a lion in the background. This was on our must-see list today.

Can you tell who doesn't want to be in pictures?

Look at this little jokester. 

A final picture, with an ode to the missing doesn't-want-to-be-photographed brother. 

It was a wonderful day. And SO great to have my big school boy home to go somewhere fun with us. I miss going places with all three of us. Things change a lot once kids start school, and of course it's wonderful that he's in school learning so much, but I do miss our fun excursions all together. That made today, even more special.

Day 20. Pictures.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, and today I wanted to share some pictures with you. Few words, many pictures. 

 My writing place at my sister's house. Peace. Quiet. Tea. Perfect.

Driving through her "neighborhood".

My must-stop place in Spokane.

Another "neighborhood" shot. I love wide open spaces.

The "young" girls set of the girl-weekend crew. My cousin and I dressed completely alike, by complete accident, believe it or not. And all three of us got the "tall brown boots" memo.

Oh my word. This is a great new lunch/coffee spot in Cheney. 

Lunch for three.

 Go ahead. Swoon over those tin ceiling tiles and the mason jar chandelier. I sure did.

  

Time to go already?

Smiles and swings. Two things that go very well together.

The "baby".

The "tomboy".

The "ballerina".

Come on, get with it, Chicago. I can't believe you don't have one of these!

Table side 1.

Table side 2.

Someday.

Some sweet mom-friends at Alumni Weekend at HAA. Maybe I shouldn't have worn heels. Ha!

I'll leave you with this set of pictures. Three little helpers putting chairs away. Max is in the middle. It was adorable. And they did it perfectly. Well done, boys.

Day 19. Board Games.

Sometimes, it's a lot easier for me to zone-out, to stay in that blasé, neutral, nothing space than get up, be focused and be present and involved in my world. Especially, when it's already been a long day. But I never feel good about staying in that disconnected place, so I'm trying to be intentional about staying focused on the "here and now" and keeping mentally present. It's easy for me to set up a train set, and then sit down to check Facebook while the boys play with it, instead of playing with them. And it's easy to say I'll come outside to read while they kick around a soccer ball, instead of kicking it with them.

We had a long day today. It was alumni weekend at Mason's school and we were there for much of the day. We enjoyed a meaningful church service and catching up with friends. The boys, who have needed naps for a few days, had a blast running around with their friends, but immediately got less able to handle themselves after we came home. 

Often, I disconnect when they get fussy, but since I was trying something different, I dragged myself out of a chair and decided to get out some kid-friendly board games. We've never really tried to play them by the real rules, because they have been too young in the past, but now they are old enough to handle the concepts and practice a little more patience. We played a matching game, and an alphabet animal game. They were a little skeptical at first, not wanting to take time to play by the rules, but ended up loving both games. We had a lot of smiling, laughing and cheering. They got upset when someone was ahead of them, but then we worked through it. It was so much fun, for me too. I was especially proud of Mason, who didn't end up winning any of the rounds we played (even when I tried to help his chances). He still kept a smile on his face and came back for more. It's hard to lose to your little brother and your mommy, but it's also real life. Nobody wins everything all the time. In fact, we most often don't win, but keeping that separate from our self-worth is the key. And probably is especially hard to do when you are very young.

Just like in board games, life things don't always go as we'd like, but you have to keep trying to do your best and enjoy the ride. Life really isn't about how many times we win. Today, we had fun along the way, and I think love was the real winner.

What was most interesting to me, is that because I chose to connect instead of disconnect, I actually felt more energized, happier, and much more fulfilled. It's funny, what engaging in your relationships can do. I think I need to do it more often.

Day 17 & 18. Furnace and Friends.

Today, I'm writing for both yesterday and today. Yesterday, threw me off my game, but I'm back tonight.

Yesterday morning, we had cable installed in our home. We haven't had anything but local channels for several years, and really didn't mind, because we've had many other valuable things to spend our time on, but we were constantly having trouble with our TV reception in the middle of important sporting games and events, and Mike was ready to do something about it. It's through the same company we already have internet service with, so it was only a bit more money per month to add on some peace of mind and extra sports coverage for Mike. The benefit for me is that I will now have HGTV, which has most of my favorite shows.

The reason I'm sharing this is that I returned late Wednesday, and had to be ready for the cable guy to show up at 8:00 am the next morning. It all went fine, but I'm never in my normal routine when someone is working in my house, so I'm not as productive. He didn't leave until close to 11 (there were a few unexpected issues). So I was trying to keep Max entertained and quiet while he was here,  and I didn't have time to shower after sleeping in a bit and getting Mason off to school. I was sure my day would get right back on track, maybe do someone laundry from my trip, go to the grocery store, etc. It was still very cold in the house, so I turned on the furnace for the first time this season and told Max we could check out some cartoon channels. He and I had barely sat down, when I heard a loud pop. Then I heard water gushing. And gushing. Then I realized it wasn't the dishwasher. I walked back to the mud/laundry/furnace room and there I saw a relief valve from the furnace pouring out, onto the floor, black, steaming fluid. And it was pouring, not dripping. Luckily, we have a drain in the center of the room, but it wasn't keeping up at the time and the watery liquid was starting to pool. I immediately flipped the switch on the furnace to "off", but the stuff kept coming. I picked up a few dry things I didn't want damaged and threw them on top of the dishwasher. Then, I remembered where the main water shut off was to the whole house and decided that was my best option to stop the fluid because it seemed to be mostly water. I turned the valve to "off", and waited while black water still filtered out,  but at a slower pace. I moved a container underneath the stream of liquid, but that filled very quickly and was soon overflowing as we'll. Then, I ran around frantically, looking for my phone, wondering if I should call 911 (no, silly), but settled on the management company in charge of our rental. Mike had the only current contact number, so I called him about 6 times before he answered. He called them for me and within a few minutes, a never-looked-so-beautiful-to-me, Adventist Hinsdale Hospital (we rent our home from them) maintenance truck pulled in the driveway. The leak had now slowed down to a slow drip.  The maintenance crew came in and assessed the problem right away, telling me I did the right thing by shutting the water off to stop the leak. They left to get the part they needed and came back with not only the part, but a wet vac to clean up the messy floor. I was especially glad to have our new cartoon channels to keep Max occupied and give me some time to relax. We enjoyed watching a few shows together. The maintenance crew finished, and if you didn't know what had just happened, you wouldn't even have suspected it! They left it that clean. Then I had just a little while before getting big M from school. What a day. I really thought our whole house might flood. I was pretty terrified for a few moments.

That was my yesterday. Today was much more relaxed. Max and I played with motorized trains and wooden trains. I did some cleaning and some catch-up after being gone for a whole week. Then for supper, we went to Sweet Tomatoes with our friends, Jake and Kelsey, which ended in lots of laughter and our kids running around in chaos and making friends with other kids at the restaurant. It was lovely.

I'm hoping for another lovely day tomorrow. Good night, friends. :)

Day 16. Home.

I made it home tonight, meeting up with my mother-in-law outside my gate as I deplaned, hugging and chatting for a few minutes as she headed to her flight to Kansas. You'd have a very hard time convincing me that I don't have the best in-laws ever.

My boys drove up to pick me up after I got my luggage, and the little ones begged me to sit in the back middle seat between them. They told me stories of fun times from the past week and we giggled, holding hands the whole way. Mason fell asleep on my shoulder within ten minutes, and Max sang "I've got everything that I need, right in front of me" from The Muppets, but only if I sang with him. They smothered me with kisses, hugs, and love.

It's good to be home.

Day 15. The last night.

Today we debated whether we should go to some new antique shops we had heard about, or go to our favorite mall, and then where to eat afterward. After some thought, instead, my sister and I decided we'd rather have a low-key day. So rather than hurrying around and rushing for my last day in Washington, we made food together, talked about our made-up rules of home decor, and jumped together on the trampoline with my three nieces. It was a fun day. We just enjoyed being together. I liked the way our day ended up. I got to "be" with my sister. That's what I miss most while being far away from her.

So tonight is my last night here. And that means we are going to party hard (at least as much as us thirty-something moms, on a school night, are willing to do). Tonight, that probably means some tea and a Jane Austen movie.

Good night. And farewell from Washington, the rolling farm fields, evergreen trees, peaceful quiet, and cool crisp air.

I'm coming home, boys. Missed you like crazy.

Day 14. Just me.

I'm not sure what it is. Are the writing exercises working? Is my extra quiet time the answer? Time spent looking at beautiful rolling hills? A quiet in my environment I could never dream of finding in the Chicago suburbs? Or maybe it's all the little dissociating activities I've cut from my life that can make this happen. Maybe it's a combination of these things, but whatever it is, I'm finding myself with greater mental clarity, feeling more in touch with my emotions, and I have an internal calm that has been missing before.

Several weeks ago, maybe even a month or two, I started slowly cutting things out of my life, that I enjoyed, maybe too much, and that kept me busy and kept my mind distracted. I chose these things and let them be a part of my life, often giving each of them significant time and energy, and certainly space in my head. And to be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with any of these things, but for me, I chose to cut them out because I was spending too much energy on them and I wanted to try life in a more simple way for a while, basically, to peel away the layers of distraction until further notice.

I didn't stop everything all at once, just one thing at a time as it felt right. Here's what I did: I stopped all non-essential shopping, painting my nails, wearing jewelry (except for my wedding bands), drinking coffee, wasting time online, playing games on my phone, and made a conscious effort to listen to my heart instead of just doing what I thought would please others.

As a result, besides having a headache for a week (thank you, dear old friend coffee), I am surprised how much more I feel like myself. Getting through the first few days of any major changes to your lifestyle is the hardest, and I'm sure it comes and goes, but from what I've gained, I am sure it was worth the discomfort.

Today, I really, really feel like, Melissa. I feel more connected to who I am, what I want from life, what's important to me, and how to make choices I will feel good about. I don't know if I will start back up with one of those items tomorrow, or in a month, or when. But for now, today, I feel great. And I am learning how to listen to my heart, my mind, my feelings, and I even feel more connected to God. It's like there's less in the way, less stuff I'm putting between my raw, honest self and my God. Less that I'm hiding behind, less that I'm trying to be. And while it seemed scary at first, what I've found behind all the clutter, is a person I actually like. A person who is enough.

It's just me now. And it's not so bad.

Day 13. Imperfect-ness.

It's a whirlwind over here. Just like that, all the girls traveled back to their respective homes, except for me (I came back up to my sisters place), and I'm glad to enjoy a few more days with my sis.

On our way, we stopped by to visit one of my dear friends, Nicole. I really miss her and her family in our lives since they moved this summer. They used to live just a few miles from us. Mason and Max had each made their buddy, Nicole's son, a handmade card, full of lots of love (even getting up early before school to make it) and I was happy to bring them along, to hand deliver.

I can't stop thinking about how much love went into those cards. How imperfect they are, with smeared colors, funny drawings, writing that isn't perfect, but how much more it reflects my boys than something made at a factory. They selected each color, picked each sticker, colored on top of some, and told me what to write. Max even signed his own name at the end, written perfectly backwards. And that's life.

Embrace your imperfect-ness. It makes you, you.

Day 12. Being real and being outnumbered.

Obviously, the last few days I've been doing shorter posts and this is because I've been spending time with people I don't get to see very often, so they take priority right now. I'm still trying, though, to keep up with my commitment to post every day for 31 days focused on Letting Love Win.

Today was another day of typical girl-weekend activities for us. Lots of talking, lots of making and eating good food, more talking, some nail painting, looking at 50-year old family photos, and then a fun movie. Sometimes, letting love win is just letting love in. And letting love in can mean letting people in, not pushing them away. This weekend feels like that. Sometimes we talk about the memories, the good and the bad. It's not always pretty, it's not always fun, but it's real. And I like real. And it helps me understand where I came from and who I am today. And that helps me know how to be better for my family, now. Looking into the past is valuable if it can help you with he present.

And right now I miss my boys. My red-headed sporty boy, my brown-eyed snuggler, and my blue-eyed love. But, I'm trying to enjoy every moment with these precious ladies, until I come back to my boy-filled world.  Because sometimes, for a few days I suppose, it's kind of nice not to be outnumbered.

Day 11. A poem.

Short and sweet, and needing sleep,
But driving, eating, laughing deep.

Sisters, cousins, mothers, aunts,
Chatting in some cozy pants.

Shopping, talking, making food,
Girl weekends aren't made for dudes.

That's all.

Day 10. A Good List.

Tonight, I'm giving you a list. Ten things I did today in no particular order.

1. Ate Cheetos with my nieces (who gifted me with a bag of them on my bed when I arrived)
2. Enjoyed a 16 oz. drinking chocolate (spicy maya)
3. Spent several hours alone in the house, writing pages for my writing assignments (Yay!)
4. Watched "Austenland" in a funky/hipster/cool downtown theater that had only 33 seats
5. Video-chatted with all my boys!
6. Sipped hot Christmas tea while staring out the window at the evergreen trees and rolling hills
7. Took pictures of an old barn and two resting combines (I can't upload pics right now, bummer)
8. Had supper at Taco Time (mmm....crispy pinto burritos)
9. Ate my sister's AMAZING homemade pumpkin cake (why is most of this list food-related?)
10. Prayed for peace and patience as I work through these old wounds.

Have a blessed night!

Day 9. Halfway.

I wish I could say I was halfway done with the writing assignments that go along with my healing process, but I can't. I can, however, say that I'm halfway across the country on my trip to "The Inland Empire", also known as, Spokane, WA. I promise that's what it's called. Sounds pretty fancy, huh?

Right now, I'm sitting in Denver (forgive me if blogging from the iPad causes errors, again), one of my favorite airports. Thankfully, Direct TV gave me free wifi-TV so I got to watch several of my favorite HGTV home shows on the flight here. But, back to this lovely city. It will always be one of my favorite places on earth. It's where Mike and I moved right after our wedding, where we built a life together, bought a home and started our family. Five and a half years it was our home, and still feels like home just being in this airport.

In a few hours I'll be back in the state of my very first home. It's fun to look back at the good old memories, but I wouldn't trade what life has thrown my way, for anything. It's good to be pushed, good to stretch, good to grow. It's good to make new friends, to go new places, be a little uncomfortable sometimes. What's funny to me now, is how Chicago feels familiar, homey, and right these days. It really is less about the place you are and more about the people, my husband and my two boys.

This is an oldie, but I love it.

Tonight, I'm not really halfway home. Not until I'm going in the other direction.

Day 8. In the Fog.

Today I'm in a fog. I want to get started working on things, but I am side-tracked by the fact that I'm flying across the country tomorrow afternoon for a week. By myself. I'm really excited to see my sister and have some special time with a few family members, and although I don't get the chance to see all my beloved relatives, this is a special once-a-year trip that includes a girl's weekend with a few of my closest female familials. 

Naturally, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold today (how does that always happen on vacation?), but in 24 hours I'll be getting close to being able to take care of myself for a whole week. Mike's parents are helping us out here with the boys by coming in shifts which helps me be able to leave for so long with greater peace of mind. 

Every time I leave, I think about the boys constantly, but I also need a break sometimes and I can think of no better way to recuperate and rest-up than with my sister, drinking tea and watching Jane Austen movies.

Ready or not, sister. Here I come!

Day 7. Treading Water.

Today was a return to our normal routine. Mason back at school and Max and I playing and running errands to Home Depot and Costco. After school, we played outside, flying kites, riding bikes, and kicking the soccer ball around. Then I took the boys to get haircuts. It was time for supper and we were hungry, so on the way home we grabbed some Taco Bell and then ate our food on picnic tables outside.

All the information from this past weekend is still rolling around in my head and I have yet to get it all mentally sorted. I will tell you about the crying I promised to tell you about, though. Ha.

We had been in the seminar about 3 hours when our lunch break came and after getting my food, I sat next to a lady who had been sitting near me during the morning session. I was surprised that our presenters sat down, one right next me, and the other just across the table. They had been very gracious during breaks, allowing people to ask questions about their situations and then passing on tidbits of information specific to the person's particular need. I got really nervous, but knew that this was my only chance to ask a few questions regarding my own memories and experiences. (I have to add that this all makes me laugh now, because the night before, after the first day of the seminar, I had seen my neighbor and he had asked me if there were a lot of tears during the session, and I had responded that there weren't. He should have asked me last night! Ok, back to the lunch table...) At a break in the conversation, I looked up at the very distinguished man sitting across the table, opened my mouth, said about three words of a sentence when, suddenly I couldn't control myself. The lump in my throat rose, the corners of my mouth warped, and I cried. Helplessly, horribly, no-holding-back, tears flowing, trying to compose myself to ask the rest of the question. Here I was sitting in front of this brilliant man, who has changed thousands of people's lives, traveled all over the world, authored many books, and here he was sitting in front of me and all I could do was cry like a baby. And do you know what I thought to myself? I thought, Oh no! He must think I'm crazy. What is WRONG with me? Then it hit me. Actually, I bet this is NOT the first time this has happened to him. Besides, what can I do about it now? Then I thought about everyone else sitting calmly, eating their lunches right around me. A little embarrassing. I feel like a child, I thought, and I just showed everyone that I'm weak! But maybe it's the child inside me that needs to be heard and healed. I did feel embarrassed, but after he shared some brief insights with me about my life that were spot-on (that he surmised from only a few basic facts he asked me to tell him) while seeming to be completely unaffected by my crying, the rest of the people at my table, were empathetic, supportive, and shared how they related in their own situations. Within a few minutes, I didn't end up feeling embarrassed at all. I felt supported, heard, loved, and not alone.

It's hard to show weakness in public, especially when you usually try hard to keep yourself pulled together emotionally. Thankfully, I'm still glad I did it, that I wasn't more afraid of making a spectacle of myself, than I was of asking the man for help. What he shared meant a lot to me, and I'm glad that somehow I came up with the courage to ask.

So now I'm here. I mustered up the strength to make the first phone call to sign up for the class. Maybe that's like being at the shoreline, and deciding to get in the water. Then I stuck to my decision, and actually went to both classes, listened intently, and took notes ferociously. Maybe that's like wading into the water, even though it's uncomfortably cold and your feet still touch the bottom. Now, I've got all this information in my head, and I even sort of DO know where I need to start to begin moving forward and healing. Maybe this place is like going out into the middle of the river and treading water, not really going anywhere yet, even if you sort of know how you're supposed to swim, but so far out that you have to keep moving to keep your head above water. Those feet can't feel the riverbed anymore.

Today, I'm treading water.
Tomorrow? We'll see.

Day 6. Wading In.

Today was a big day. In fact, it was so big, and my brain took in so much information, that I'm typing this on my phone from bed. I'm going to sleep in a minute, but I wanted to share that this seminar has been life-altering, earth-shattering and mind-blowing when it comes to the amount of information I've learned. I'll plan to give a few brief points tomorrow of some of my big "aha" moments, and share with you the very awkward time I broke into uncontrolled crying.

Growing can be hard. It takes courage. And you have to be brave to risk looking silly, or weak. But it's worth it.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

Day 5. Learning begins.

I made it through today! Sometimes that's quite an accomplishment.

We slept in later than we planned, but went to church. Then we stayed longer at church, talking with friends, than we'd planned, so when we got home, I scrapped the fancy homemade pasta dinner plans for chick-patty sandwiches. Thanks to switching up the meal, I was able to still eat and get to my seminar on time.

The seminar was awesome. I learned about how events in our early childhood affect us, often before we know how to verbalize it, and how events that happen between ages 3-7 are tested against the paradigm we've built from birth-age 2. Wow. Lots more ahead for tomorrow. Although I enjoyed today's presentation, I'm looking forward to learning what I can do, now, to move forward and work through past hurts.

No one comes from a perfect family because that doesn't exist in our world. But I still want to be a better mother and help make my family more trusting, more open, and more safe as my children learn to navigate life.