Somehow, while giving in to the hermit life, I managed to face a big elephant in the room (it was almost that big, literally) that's been eating away at my energy and clarity of mind for years - probably all of my married years or at least since several months into our marriage, sometime around June 2003 when I started realizing what was going on. And the problem with this particular "elephant" is that like a tumor, it continues to grow, slowly and steadily without you even realizing what's happening. You think you're making progress and for a few months or even a year, you gain confidence and think it's not so bad anymore, then it hits you and you realize the tumor is controlling you and not the other way around.
My "elephant tumor" is also one of my favorite things which is why there's always been a love-hate relationship there, a co-dependent, sentimental, insecurity that inhibits my moving forward and actually cutting the tumor out. Here goes: I have a problem with paper.
I have a hard time letting go. I don't like to throw anything away that might be something I could look at later and remember that time in 4th grade that I drew that one picture that one time. I think that if something comes in the mail with my name on it (or at least my address), then it means someone meant it just for me and it needs to be thoroughly read and treasured for years. I received a bill? Then I will keep it for all time, in case I need to remember how much my electric bill was in October of 2004. I received the weekly flyer? Then I will read every page and compare it to last weeks and last years and my childhood home's flyers from 1988. Hasn't graphic design changed so much over the years? Can you believe the price of tomatoes back then? Oh, I have a receipt? Then I will put it in a pile of receipts for when I will want to look back and remember that I bought that Trapper Keeper and Jansport backpack during the back-to-school sale in August before 3rd grade. Won't it be a delight to see how prices have changed over the years? I love statistics, so I will feel so good knowing that I kept thorough records.
I'm not sure what I was thinking, but there's nothing like a huge reminder of the past to keep you from living in the present. Sure, I was exaggerating a little, but I did have years worth of pay stubs from my college jobs, utility bills from 10 years ago, and piles of paper bank statements from an account I had when I was 18. Of course those were only a few years old...Ha ha.
Several years ago, I had Mike bring some of these "old life" boxes in from the garage. A little background on these particular boxes...These are boxes that were packed up from my bedroom at home into the U-Haul truck Mike and I drove to Denver to start our married life together. There, they lived in our basement where they didn't bother anyone or even get a second glance. Then, the movers packed them in the truck that brought our life to Chicago 3 1/2 years ago, where they sat in our garage (since we have little no storage in our current house). So back to several years ago, I was determined to do some organizing in the garage and these boxes were starting to get in the way. I didn't even know what was in them any more. I went through them, threw out a few things, but mostly got overwhelmed so I sorted, and resorted and then left the things with which I didn't know what to do. That meant they were still there. So, Mike took most of them back to the garage and I felt a little better, like I'd done something with them. Maybe condensed one or two.
I'm not sure what has changed in me lately, but it's significant. Sitting in my house, all hermit-like, I realized that I hated going into the office/toy room. We have just enough space for a slim-line vintage desk that belonged to my mother and that is my office area amidst a room bursting with toys (that are actually very organized at the moment). We used to have 3 desks in our old house and condensing down to one, with my paper problem, wasn't easy. So I never used it. It was a catch all for broken toy parts, random things that I just didn't know what else to do with, but never used how I wished. So I kind of ignored it's existence in the room and in my life.
I realized that my being home, made me face the things in my home-life that I don't like, including things in my house and about myself, (but let's not go there tonight, ha). Distraction is a wonderful thing, but also a terrible thing. I hadn't realized how I had been intentionally distracting myself from such a huge problem in my life.
So, no more. I did it. I took the reigns, I took the bull by the horns, I took every ounce of my energy and spent weeks staying up until 2:00 am, sometimes way past that, working during nap times instead of resting or cleaning, and doing something I'm horrible at: making quick decision after quick decision. The boys didn't mind sometimes, because while I might not have been playing with them, I was still in the toy room. Other times, they weren't happy that I was choosing to work on my project while I normally would have played with them. I knew that if I didn't keep up my momentum, I would lose track again and possibly never change my life.
I went through boxes of papers, looking at each sheet one by one. I emptied our whole filing cabinet. I started over. New files, new labels, new system. I shredded everything I didn't need (I actually recycled as much as I could). I ended up getting rid of things I didn't realize that would go along with the old stuff. I got rid of weird feelings from the past. I moved on from mediocre memories of insecure college days. I let go of thinking that the old days were somehow incredibly more glorious and wonderful compared to today. And I said to myself, that when you say good-bye to things, it doesn't mean you are saying good-bye to memories or people or relationships.
First, I measured. Then, I went to The Container Store. I wanted to get only what I needed, nothing more. As a bonus, almost an encouragement, everything I purchased was on sale.
When I was in grade school, we went on a field trip to a local paper factory, which my friend Kelsey talks about here. It's a very smelly place, but after the kids stopped giggling about who had passed gas, we all were in awe of the big machines and manufacturing process we were seeing. I'm pretty sure the top 5 most exciting moments in my life includes the moment when I realized I was going to take home a huge roll of paper about three feet wide by six inches across. It was yards and yards of paper. A small scrap to the company, I'm sure, but more paper than I had ever seen all in one peice. I went home and cherished that roll. I cut it. I drew on it. I painted on it. I conducted science experiments with it. I laid down and traced my body on it. And I was so proud of it. I will never forget that roll of paper. For years as I slowly used it up, I knew there would be a day when it would be all gone, so I made sure to relish every moment, every inch. Of course it's long gone now, but I still have a weird attraction to paper. I love hand made paper, printed paper, textured paper, plain old college-ruled notebook paper. Even if I don't know what I'm going to do with it, I just love to look at it, to have it.
I decided the desk's purpose was to fit two of my needs. It would be my office area for paying bills and storing our records, and it would be my craft area. For working with paper, of course. With my priorities set, I emptied every drawer and started from scratch there, too. My goal was to have the desk contain only exactly what I needed. It was not going to store anything that didn't fit it's purpose.
A couple of nights ago, I finished. It was about 1:00 am, but I threw myself a little party. I texted my mom with long explanations of what I was feeling and what I had accomplished. I texted my sister, who was probably sleeping (good for her). And since Kelsey had seen my progress a few days earlier, I sent her a picture and told her I was done.
It was gone. All the clinging to old things that took too much space in my life and in my mind, was miraculously gone. I felt light. I felt free. I felt like there was more room in my heart and mind for today. More of my energy and focus that I could give to where it really belongs, taking care of my children, my husband, and me, too!
Of course the obvious question is, how long can I keep it looking that way? My answer is that I feel like by doing it the hard way, the right way, by also developing a maintenance system, I can keep it this way forever. There is a system and a plan where there wasn't before, so even if some papers build up, I have already decided where they will go. I have a file for papers that will be shredded every January. I have a file to go in my new Taxes Box in the garage every year, I have a Christmas Card box with files for recent years (I actually do like to look back at the pictures people have sent), and I have a current file for bills that will next year go to the shred folder for the following January. I have files for our vehicles, medical files, retirement, insurance, and all that necessary stuff, but even those have been cleared out and have rules for keeping them small. Mike and I both did research online to find out how long you have to keep certain documents to help determine the system that would work best for us. I kept it as simple as possible so it would be easy to maintain.
I feel like any pictures I share, can't capture the kind of overwhelming change that occurred, but at least I can show you some of the physical changes.
Here's a before-shot of the desk. Sometimes its much worse. Sometimes the chair is stacked with papers and the area inside the desk is filled with more stacks. Obviously, no one is ever sitting at this desk, let alone doing anything there.
This is one area of boxes with papers that were behind the desk (except for the Cars coloring pages, if you noticed those). The wooden box is still in use, but is practically empty now. Papers were packed in so tightly that I couldn't fit my finger between them.
This is some of the shredding. Mike ended up taking a large amount somewhere else that could handle a larger capacity. We only shredded documents with personal information. All other papers were recycled. I didn't get any pictures of the recycling piles. You can see what a huge project this was.
My shredding helpers. Supervised of course. They loved it.
The finished project. Organized, functional, practical, and even a little "pretty" thrown in.
The drawers are totally organized and fairly sparse. Just how I wanted it. And I finally have room for some paper in there.
I love the hutch shelves now. I used The Container Store's clear shoe boxes for stamps, craft supplies, stickers, blank cards, and kid crafts. I wanted to be able to see what was in each box. I also used my label-maker to label each box and lid (you can't see it in the picture) and I have a wire basket just for thank-you notes. The white metal trays and magazine holders were on sale at The Container Store, too.
The full view. For fun, the chair is one I got for $20 at the Country Living Fair last September. I've realized how much I love this desk from my mom's younger years. Growing up with it in our house, I thought of it as an old piece she'd had forever, that was getting outdated. Now I see it with a fresh, new purpose, as a cool vintage piece, embracing it's new life, kind of how I feel.
I'm still getting used to it. Every time I walk in the room, I stop and stare at that wall and get excited all over again. Of course, now Mike has to listen to me talk about all the new projects I want to complete, now that this beast is off of my shoulders. I'll be sure to let you know what comes next.
