The Fiery Furnace

"Mommy", the trembling little voice snuggled beside me said, "I don't want to go in the fiery furnace." We had watched the VeggieTales movie, "Shak, Rak, and Benny", yesterday (about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Bible) and out of the blue it was apparently still on Mason's mind. I took the opportunity to explain that he would never have to go in a fiery furnace, and that when something else came along that he was scared of, that just like in the movie, Jesus would be there with him.

I've been in my own little fiery furnace of late, health-wise at least (which is why you haven't heard from me in some time).  I had a triple attack back in mid-December of a sinus infection, an ear infection, and pneumonia.  After a basic round of 10 days of antibiotics I never quite felt fully recovered.  On Wednesday, I went back to the doctor, but this time to my asthma and allergy specialist, who has done wonders for my ability to breath in the past.  He said I was mostly healed from the infections, but my sinus infection still wasn't gone and my breathing numbers, which a couple of years ago had reached 90-115% of expected lung capacity for someone my age and height, were down between 50-60%. I always know when I'm having trouble, but I often don't attribute it to how lethargic, weak and generally vague I feel.  Thankfully, my doctor doesn't mess around. He put me back on 21 days of antibiotics, steroids to reduce the inflammation in my airway, a strong sinus spray, and re-upped the prescription for my regular inhaler.

I didn't even know it was possible to breath so deeply and feel so alert until I first saw this doctor several years ago. At the time, he put me on a medication plan and I finally could breath normally. Before that, after getting a small cold, I would be unable to exercise or do any mildly strenuous activity for at least one month afterward, sometimes two. It was depressing and I felt so out of control.  I wanted to go do things, hang out with friends, go to the gym, or even just take a peppy walk, but my body wouldn't allow it.

Health is something it's easy to take for granted and not know you are, until you lose some part of it. I've had a lot of trouble since I was first diagnosed with asthma at 10 years old. A lot of my illnesses have been more intense, with a longer duration and I've probably ended up with more of them in general due to my breathing problems. I'm so thankful now, to have found a doctor who realized I needed more than your run-of-the mill inhaler.

Right now, I'm not breathing great, but the medications take time to work and now I have hope. I know with time, rest and faithfully using my medications, that within a few weeks I'll notice a big difference.

As I was comforting Mason tonight about the fiery furnace, I couldn't help but think of how sometimes I'm scared about things I don't have control over, things I don't understand. On the other hand, I also know that without feeling that vulnerability, I might not realize how great it is when things are working well, how free I feel when I'm being true to myself, how alive my body feels when I'm getting enough oxygen, and how comforting it feels when I'm in my own variety of a fiery furnace, that there is Someone bigger than me, standing right beside me. And it feels so good to know I'm not there alone.

Starting New

This year and going forward, I have decided to keep it simple and instead of tying my blog to a detailed and lengthy resolution, I’m just going to express what comes naturally to me: writing about my personal journey as it evolves and unfolds, and throwing in some hobbies for fun (home projects, clothing deals, and crafts).

My new title, Perfect Imperfection, honors my current journey and it's challenges. As a perfectionist, I often don’t think things are good enough, including my own efforts. Going forward, I’d like to laugh more often than I get uptight, to not be so hard on myself, to be okay with an unexpected twist, to stop judging myself harshly, and to enjoy life.  I want freedom.

May a partially-cleaned bathroom be okay, may I still invite someone over if my floor isn’t vacuumed, may I see what I accomplished with my kids for the day even if the house has nothing to show for it, may I serve someone a less-than-gourmet meal and not feel bad, and may my children feel loved even when they spill the cereal or act like less than angels. May my efforts be perfectly satisfying, even if the end result is less than perfect.

You may have had a day like this, when kids cut their own hair and put on eyeliner.

Or like this one, when you wake up to a disaster.

There can also be days like this...

 when things are slow

 and the beauty of life is easy to see.

Either way each day goes, I want to accept my imperfect life, as perfect, for me.

Imagine Me, New.

 First, let me say, that the new stuff I talked about in my last post is still coming, but isn’t quite ready yet…So please hang on with me just a little longer!

What a way to start the New Year! Mike and I went to a concert at Willow Creek Community Church last night featuring Kirk Franklin, of gospel music fame. I first heard of him back in 2005 when I saw the music video of him performing his hit “Imagine Me”. He sang this song last night and it hit me just as hard. The tears came welling up.

What a year it’s been. My parents’ divorce was finalized, close family and friends moved away, I struggled to find peace and balance as a full-time mom, we lost our dear Grandpa Murrill and financial fears crept into my mind. But God was faithful. As the year unfolded, unexpected things eased the loneliness, and God gave us blessings more abundant than I could have imagined. He also showed me personally, that He was with me every step of the way as I faced insecurity, loneliness, and fear from my past and as I fought to pass on love, respect, and patience to my kids and leave some unhealthy methods behind.

As I listened to the words of that song last night, I couldn’t help but feel like every word was meant just for me.

Here are some favorite moments from the song:

“Imagine me, loving what I see, when the mirror looks at me”

“Imagine me, in a place of no insecurities, and I'm finally happy”

“Imagine me, letting go of all of the ones who hurt me, 'cause they never did deserve me”

“Can you imagine me, saying no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me”

“Lord, can you imagine me, over what my mamma said, and healed from what my daddy did, and I wanna live, and not read that page again”

“You never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough,

but imagine God, whispering in your ear

letting you know that everything that has happened, is now

gone. Gone. It's gone, all gone.”

We’re starting something new. I know it won’t be perfect and neither will I, but I’m ready to let go of the old and make something new.