December 31, errr, I mean January 1, 2013, 1:09 AM.
These
days, when I have an ounce of energy in me to write, I must take advantage.
I don’t know yet what my resolutions will be this year. I’m
running behind schedule, so I’m not ready to make any declarations. What I have
done, is reflect a bit over what 2012 brought to my life.
Last year was an important year for me. Mason turned 4, Max
turned 3, I turned 32, me and the hubs celebrated our 9th
anniversary, I lost 24 pounds (and still going), I did a major purging and
organizing of clothing, closets, under-beds, drawers, cupboards, desks, toys,
college papers, storage, and even went through everything in the upper storage
level of our garage. In many ways, I
feel like a new woman, and I’m ready to start this year with a new
perspective. I thought I could share
with you some important things I learned this year:
1. Things don’t make me happy.
As if I
didn’t already know that, and it seems so obvious, but sometimes I still forget.
Sometimes I want to live in a nicer house. Sometimes I want new clothes, or
furniture, or a perfectly decorated room, or the perfectly sized, colored and shaped
tiered fruit tray for my kitchen counter. Some of those things I got this year,
and most of them I didn’t (still sad about the fruit tray). But what I
realized was that despite some new things (who doesn’t love some new clothes)
they really didn’t make me any happier, and despite not getting other things,
I’m still pretty happy with my life. It’s too easy for me to get caught up in
thinking something I buy will fill my heart with joy. Losing weight helps, but
it doesn’t solve problems of the heart. Organizing feels amazing, but it too
doesn’t bring lasting peace and happiness. Let me tell you, these things do
bring me joy, but only for a fleeting moment, and then when the feeling is
gone, it only feels worse. You can’t buy or organize your way to happiness.
It’s true. Sometimes I try. It still doesn’t work.
2. I need a break sometimes.
I’ve been
on my soapbox many times about this one, but as an introvert at heart
(sometimes I hide it well), I need quiet time to reflect, refocus, rejuvenate,
relax and recharge (can you think of any more words that started with “re”?).
This year has been ridiculously awful at allowing me time to do that. I can’t
actually blame the year, but more myself, my lack of awareness and action in
making that a priority. Unfortunately, I spent most of this year very stressed,
overwhelmed and fittingly, the year ended in some relatively serious health
conditions thanks to my striving to try to be everything. And I don’t even try
to be a “Pinterest Mom” (if you are, I think that’s fabulous, it’s just not me). I don’t do fancy birthday parties, I love when dinner is just
Chipotle, and if you drop by, my house probably isn’t clean. I’m just trying to
get through a normal day like most people. So after several rounds of
antibiotics (almost finished with my last course), some X-rays, steroids, and
over a week literally spent in bed, I’m finally getting some energy back and starting to feel like myself again. The point is, to pace myself before I get to the
point of burnout so this doesn’t happen again. And this isn’t just for
introverts. All mom’s repeat after me: “It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to
need a break. I’m taking the break.”
3. I love my kids SO much.
I know, I
know. We all love our kids and think they are the most amazing people ever.
Great! That’s how it’s supposed to be, right? I fell in love with mine a little
more this year as I got to know them better. Each year as they get a little
older I learn a little more about who they are and the nuances of their little
personalities. Or maybe I should say BIG personalities…ahem…Max. What a gift to
be able to watch a child grow and learn about life, it’s beauty and it’s
heartache. It’s hard to imagine it being possible, but my love for them grows
deeper every year that passes. I’m so grateful for another year of life I get to
spend with them, especially when I know not every family is as lucky.
4. I don’t want to give up.
Sometimes,
I really just want to throw in the towel. When friends and family move away (you
2 girls in North Carolina, you know who you are, xoxo), sometimes it hurts and
you wait and wait for it to feel better, and when you think it’s been enough
time that it should, it still doesn’t, you still feel raw. You still miss weekly playdates or crocheting together at Starbucks. Pretending you’re
fine and acting tough doesn’t help either. Just face it. Cry. Let yourself feel
the sadness and loneliness. It’s okay. Time helps, but don’t worry if it takes
longer than you think to feel better. It just shows that you let people into
your heart, maybe more than you realized, and that’s a good thing. You can’t
replace a relationship, but old and new friends will remind you that you’re
important and to keep going, that no matter how lonely you feel for certain
people, it doesn’t mean you’re actually alone.
5. And finally, it’s good to try new things.
This year I
tried some new workout classes, Zumba and Hip Hop. They made me feel both like
an uncoordinated dork and like maybe I could be the next J. Lo (or not, sadly). Nobody likes to feel uncool, but sometimes putting
yourself out there, going out of your comfort zone, makes you feel amazing and makes
you less scared of tackling something even bigger the next time. I read some
great books which were new genre’s for me, granted most of them were about
North Korea’s work camps and Auschwitz (I’m going to pick some lighter reading
for this year), but I learned a lot about humanity, the great extent of evil
people can be capable of and also a great compassion we can show. One thing new
that’s happening in my life in a week, is that Mason is starting pre-school. I
know it’s in the middle of the year, but it was the right time for us. He goes
back and forth between being really excited about it, to telling me he doesn’t want to
go because he’s nervous. I’m confident he’ll love it once he tries it, but like
all things new, you don’t always know what you’re getting in to and you have to
kind of jump in and hope you’ve done all you could to prepare for it. I’m
excited and I think he’ll do really well. I know there will be many other
new things happening this year, but I don’t know what they are. Until then,
I’ll try to get ready for whatever 2013 throws at me.
Back to the present. My mother-in-law is leaving in the morning. What a blessing
she has been to us during my recovery. More than all the laundry, cooking and
child-caring she has done, she is a steady, constant source of love, encouragement,
and friendship in my life. I feel so blessed that this is a relationship I know
will be one of the most central in my life for many, many years to come. As my
emotions go all over the place struggling with the challenges of raising
children, she supports me with a grace, eloquence and with godly advice, reminding me that someone greater is taking care of me, seeing my tears, holding
my heart and leading me back to Him every time I start to wander away.
In 2013, may I wander from Him less and cling to Him more.
THAT is what really makes me happy.
