I've been meaning to write for a while (yeah, yeah). Somehow my good intentions don't produce results (ha ha) and some things (or some boys) just have to come first when time is limited. I know you understand. :)
I've been taking more time this summer to organize and clean out more spaces in our home. Even when I do it in one place, get rid of what I don't need, organize what's left, it seems like within a few weeks I look back at the same space and still need to keep paring down! It's amazing the correlation between freeing up space in your home and freeing up space in your mind. It feels like when I create more physical space, I get more mental space. It feels good and then it feels scary.
The more clutter I remove from my home is wonderful, but getting rid of the clutter in my mind is more complicated. I like that I have more mental space to be creative, but what I don't like is what I find underneath that clutter. Buried deeply are the negative feelings I don't want to face, the relationships I don't know how to mend, the people who have hurt me, the deepest fears in my heart that after many years, still exist. Life isn't simple, just as people aren't. And sometimes, letting go, realizing that you can't control everything (or maybe anything), is the hardest part.
I've been singing this song over and over in my head the last few days, especially a certain chorus. I turn it on loud in my headphones or on the music player, and when these words come on, I feel the layers of walls I've carefully built to protect myself, start to peel away, and then crumble in a pile at my feet, and there, there is my heart, vulnerable, completely raw. The way most of us begin, before the scar tissue builds up and we become masters of sarcasm, brushing off rejection and turning our hurt into stoic hate. So I listen to this chorus, because what really matters if this doesn't? Trusting Him fully, at least for this moment:
So I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe
of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
("The Stand" by Hillsong UNITED)
