Feeling empty and Filling empty

When something is empty, that means its supposed to be filled with something, right? If you aren't up for some potentially annoyingly-melancholy reading, you may want to stop here. For anyone that's left, here goes...

Mark, Stephanie, Monroe, and McKinley Murrill left last week for North Carolina. And it wasn't for a vacation. I have a very empty hole in my heart and it hurts. Badly. I know in time, it will hurt less and maybe something else will even begin to fill the hole, but for now, it's just gaping. Wide.

Here's where I'm at: I'm not ready to put on my happy face. Sometimes, to get through a rough time you have to stop thinking about it, distract yourself, put a smile on your face and move forward.  Well, I think that applies to the cup of water Mason kicked off my nightstand today or the fine I got in the mail a few days ago from one of those ridiculous red light cameras, but I don't think that today, it applies to my feelings.

In the past, I spent a lot of my life running, hiding, or just ignoring feelings that needed to be addressed, accepted and dealt with. That was a horrible habit and ultimately made me feel even worse about every situation, and worse about myself.  At some point, I realized what I was doing, and since then, I've chosen a different reaction, and my life is now full of raw emotions. I take time to "feel" things, and I say things to my husband like, "it's okay, but I need to cry", or "I just need to sit here and feel this" as I stare into nothing. It also means that when I feel something, I don't say "I'm fine" unless I actually mean it. I would rather sit for hours and let my sadness sink in, allow myself to really feel it, and then accept it, than just pretend that I'm fine when I'm really not. When I give myself permission to be sad, to not have "perfect" or "ideal" feelings about life, I give myself permission to be human.

This is a season in my life when I'm opting to be human over being "perfect". I'm sad. I'm empty. It feels like I have not only lost my close, everyday relationship with Stephanie, but I'm re-living the same thing that happened when my friend Maria left last December. It's okay. I'm not saying, "I'm okay", but more that I "will" be okay and  that although I consider my feelings of desperation and sadness necessary, I also know them to be temporary.

If we didn't experience sadness in our lives, would we appreciate the happiness as deeply?

It reminds me that God knows my path.  He knows my future.  He knows what lies ahead of me, what beautiful, wonderful things lay in my journey.  I can't see them.  And right now, I don't really want to. I'm not ready yet. I have faith that He knows me better than I know myself and I know that after this storm, peace will come to me. So I'm waiting on His timing.

I may not feel ready to move on, but when I am, I know He will have great things in store.  For now, though, I'm giving myself today, to remember how much I loved living near family and how wonderful it has been to watch our children play together and grow to love each other.  It's also a beginning, but I'll think about that another day.  Today is my day to just remember.

Eventually, it will hurt less, and my empty feelings will be filled with something else - a new friendship perhaps or a new hobby, or maybe even just a deeper appreciation for the three boys whose lives are dependent on me (yes, that includes my husband, ha!). No matter how sad I feel, I always feel better when I hear a little voice saying, "Mommy". Or like tonight, when two naked boys are running out of the bathtub begging me to chase and tickle them (that does not include my husband, currently...).

I love you, Mike, Mason and Max. I'm more than blessed, to have each of you in my life.