Traveling Mercies

I'm sitting at Sea-Tac (Seattle/Tacoma Airport), waiting for my flight to take me home to Chicago and home to my 3 boys.  I've had a wonderful visit and girl's weekend with my family in Washington. I am sitting by the window, relishing in my chance to travel alone with no kids (I've already finished one book), and also taking some time to reflect on how it's entirely possible that I could have come home to none of my family, or even to one or more of them in a hospital room. Here's the story:

I sent Mike a text once I arrived at my gate at Chicago Midway to let him know I'd made it through security and to my gate with no problems.  In a minute or so, he called me.  He told me how he had, just moments before, been awakened as he was driving our boys in the van up the side of an embankment off the freeway. He said the vehicle was tilted far to one side and had he not been able to turn it at that moment, that soon it likely would have rolled.  Somehow, he was able to navigate the van back down toward the road and swerving between construction barrels, enter back into traffic safely.  Whew!  This is where the scary part ends and the lighthearted parts can begin since everyone was fine.

First I must say that, I was still trying to absorb how this could all happen within 20 minutes of my hugging, kissing, and saying goodbye to my family at the curb. Obviously, I was immensely thankful that no one was hurt and that although I still had travel ahead of me, my boys, who are my life, were spared from whatever might have been. What a shock to me, though, as I thought I was the one who needed "traveling mercies".

So here's where my laughter came in to relieve the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

First, I thought of what it must have looked like to any other drivers on the freeway who noticed the illogical path of our van. It is not an SUV, or a Jeep, or a Monster Truck.  Any of those would have looked odd, but maybe not quite as ridiculous as a silver Honda minivan driving off the shoulder, up the embankment, turning, then playing obstacle-course through construction barrels, before entering traffic again like nothing had happened.  I suppose driving on the freeway gets boring so why not enjoy a little change of scenery, right?

Second, after Mike had safely returned the van to the freeway, Mason piped up in his extremely energetic tone, saying, "What was THAT?" I know exactly how he must have said it and I laugh every time I imagine what he must have been thinking as dad was off-roading in the van.  He probably also thought that although mom doesn't do that, driving with dad was way more fun!

I love the funny parts of the story only because my family was safe. Needless to say, I've prayed more than usual as I enter every leg of my journey away and back to home.  I'm praying that God will guide the pilots and crew in their decisions and thoughts, that He will send angels to guide our aircraft, and that He will lead us as we attempt to manipulate ourselves through the world He created. I am desperate to be reunited with the three people who mean everything to me, who, barring any other unexpected events, will be picking me up tonight in good health.

If you like, send up a prayer today for someone who is traveling, or might need an extra boost.  It DOES matter!

I'll share more stories and also some photos from my trip once I'm home.  Signing out from Seattle!

Fire Trucks and Trains

This past weekend, Hinsdale's Fire Department and Police Station had their annual open house.  We met up with some friends after church to let our boys enjoy it.  You name it, they had it. Here are some pictures of the fun.

I love fall in Chicago. Here are my boys walking to the car after church. Just a couple of blocks away is downtown Hinsdale where the event was held.

When we got to the open house, Max was thrilled about the free sherbet.

But he needed some help from Dad.

Mason checked out the armored vehicle.

Taking a break with Daddy.

Mason and I toured the police station and got to see the underground gunnery where the officers keep their shooting skills sharp.

Future paramedics?

This guy always loves a big fire truck.

My favorite little boys.

Little brother likes it too.

What a perfect day!

Monday, we went with Nicole and Ezra to Blackberry Farm.  You can ride the train as many times as you want.

Ezra seemed to really like it!

Self portrait of the moms!

For some reason, Mason kept asking to see a pig all day.  This was the closest he got.  And then he sat on it.

Waiting in line for the carousel.

A self-portrait that actually has all five of us in it!

Me and my busy little guys.

Mason really wanted to ride the zebra.

Max just wanted to ride with Mommy.

Tomorrow night, our friends Brandon and Maria (as well as their three kids, Mitchell, Blythe and Brynley) are arriving to stay with us for a long weekend.  We are SO excited! Yes, this is the "Maria" I mentioned in one of my previous posts who had lived here and moved to North Carolina last December (where Mark and Steph just moved to). Yay, for friends who love you enough to take time away from work and travel 13 hours in a car with small children! 

Happy Wednesday...

Fall Vocabulary

I had to share some of the latest "words" the boys are saying, as well as a few pics. Although, Mason has decided he doesn't want his picture taken, so getting the few I got was a pretty big deal.

This is for you, Steph, and there will be many more to come.  Love you.  

Max, 22 months:

Covers = Cubbers

Muffin = Muppin

Motorcycle = dissickle

That's funny = Eh wunny

Mason, 3 years:

Computer = Compluter

Toothbrush = Toofbrush

Lightning McQueen = Light-minaqueen

What are you doing? = What are you for doing? (Where are you for going?)

Welcome, Fall. We're glad you're here.

Feeling empty and Filling empty

When something is empty, that means its supposed to be filled with something, right? If you aren't up for some potentially annoyingly-melancholy reading, you may want to stop here. For anyone that's left, here goes...

Mark, Stephanie, Monroe, and McKinley Murrill left last week for North Carolina. And it wasn't for a vacation. I have a very empty hole in my heart and it hurts. Badly. I know in time, it will hurt less and maybe something else will even begin to fill the hole, but for now, it's just gaping. Wide.

Here's where I'm at: I'm not ready to put on my happy face. Sometimes, to get through a rough time you have to stop thinking about it, distract yourself, put a smile on your face and move forward.  Well, I think that applies to the cup of water Mason kicked off my nightstand today or the fine I got in the mail a few days ago from one of those ridiculous red light cameras, but I don't think that today, it applies to my feelings.

In the past, I spent a lot of my life running, hiding, or just ignoring feelings that needed to be addressed, accepted and dealt with. That was a horrible habit and ultimately made me feel even worse about every situation, and worse about myself.  At some point, I realized what I was doing, and since then, I've chosen a different reaction, and my life is now full of raw emotions. I take time to "feel" things, and I say things to my husband like, "it's okay, but I need to cry", or "I just need to sit here and feel this" as I stare into nothing. It also means that when I feel something, I don't say "I'm fine" unless I actually mean it. I would rather sit for hours and let my sadness sink in, allow myself to really feel it, and then accept it, than just pretend that I'm fine when I'm really not. When I give myself permission to be sad, to not have "perfect" or "ideal" feelings about life, I give myself permission to be human.

This is a season in my life when I'm opting to be human over being "perfect". I'm sad. I'm empty. It feels like I have not only lost my close, everyday relationship with Stephanie, but I'm re-living the same thing that happened when my friend Maria left last December. It's okay. I'm not saying, "I'm okay", but more that I "will" be okay and  that although I consider my feelings of desperation and sadness necessary, I also know them to be temporary.

If we didn't experience sadness in our lives, would we appreciate the happiness as deeply?

It reminds me that God knows my path.  He knows my future.  He knows what lies ahead of me, what beautiful, wonderful things lay in my journey.  I can't see them.  And right now, I don't really want to. I'm not ready yet. I have faith that He knows me better than I know myself and I know that after this storm, peace will come to me. So I'm waiting on His timing.

I may not feel ready to move on, but when I am, I know He will have great things in store.  For now, though, I'm giving myself today, to remember how much I loved living near family and how wonderful it has been to watch our children play together and grow to love each other.  It's also a beginning, but I'll think about that another day.  Today is my day to just remember.

Eventually, it will hurt less, and my empty feelings will be filled with something else - a new friendship perhaps or a new hobby, or maybe even just a deeper appreciation for the three boys whose lives are dependent on me (yes, that includes my husband, ha!). No matter how sad I feel, I always feel better when I hear a little voice saying, "Mommy". Or like tonight, when two naked boys are running out of the bathtub begging me to chase and tickle them (that does not include my husband, currently...).

I love you, Mike, Mason and Max. I'm more than blessed, to have each of you in my life.

Sister Road Trip

My sister, Renee, and I just got back from a road trip to the Country Living Fair in Columbus, Ohio. It was one of those experiences that we will remember forever. Here are a few pictures I thought I'd share:

We are like "two peas in a pod"... or should I say, "two gourds in a pile"

We found some great deals on cool stuff!

The Welcome Home Inn where we stayed.

Renee enjoying the deck (and rocking girl number three).

Last day of the fair, taking a lemonade break.

Our last night, we got Chipotle and Starbucks to go and enjoyed the water.

We met the builder of this bridge as he was another guest at our bed and breakfast.

We found this place on a highway in Ohio on our way back to Chicago.

Our combined finds!

A New Kind of Grown-Up

I think I reached a new level of grown-up today.  It was my first time stopping a physical altercation between children, and one of them was mine.

I've always been extra-sensitive that Mason not become a bully.  Mainly, it's because he's big for his age.  Also, being the firstborn in our house with a little brother to play with, he regularly uses his size advantage to get what he wants.  Poor Max is constantly being pushed, shoved, and having his toys taken away.  I do my best to keep the play fair, but it's just the way it is right now.  

Today, however, Mason's eyes were opened to a whole new world.  Mine were too.

He was playing outside with some of the neighborhood kids, specifically a couple of 10-year-old girls who adore him.  They were playing with some kind of big, foam swords.  I immediately thought it might be a questionable choice for Mason as he tends to get carried away, but I decided to wait and see how it went.  Pretty soon a younger boy showed up to join in the fun.  

The girls were having Mason hit them lightly with the swords and then pretending to fall down, which encouraged him to continue.  He is currently of the mindset that if something is fun, then more of it is always better (more being: stronger, harder...etc.).

I had been outside to supervise Max since I don't trust him to stay out of the street yet.  I happened to look over at Mason and the kids and I saw him hitting the boy with the foam sword like he had been doing with the girls, but probably more intensely (as these games tend to go).  Finally, I realized the boy on the ground was actually upset.  I was about to go stop Mason from his "fun", as I figured he didn't realize what was happening, when he stopped on his own.  The boy got up, crying and looking pretty angry, went over to Mason and shoved him hard.  Mason caught his balance but didn't fall down.  Thinking it was over, I continued to sit and watch, assuming the worst of it was over and remembering some of the times I was pushed or pushed a friend when I was young.  However, the next thing I knew, the boy turned, wrapped his arms around Mason, and with his full body, pulled him to the ground and was on top of him.  My mother instincts kicked in and with all kinds of thoughts running through my head about my precious little Mason getting black eyes and a broken nose, I ran over and intervened immediately.  My main concern was that Mason is 3.  This boy is 7.

Mason was fine beyond being scared, and it didn't take him long to seemingly forget about the whole thing.  I, on the other hand, had to calm myself down for quite a while.  I kept running through everything in my head.  Should I have gone over sooner?  Did I say the right things to Mason and the boy?  How could the boy think it was okay to react to Mason in that manner? Was I being too protective of Mason and unfair to the boy in my reaction? 

I'm sure Mason and his friend will be playing together again like old buddies before I know it, but it did kind of throw me for a loop.  I wondered if I was ready for all of this, this new kind of conflict for my children, between them and their friends.  How do you deal with it fairly without making someone feel bad?  Or maybe that's not an option?

It was a different kind of adrenaline rush than I have when I'm angry at my kids for not listening to me or for acting out.  It was strange, like I stepped into a new level of parent-hood and now have to be a parental figure for other kids, besides my own, and be an example of what an adult should be.  I happen to know that this boy comes from a wonderful family, and it made me realize that as kids get older they are around the leadership and influence of other adults, like myself, so I have to make sure I'm being the kind of adult I'd want my kids to be around if the situation were reversed.  Kind of sobering, and definitely something I don't take lightly.

A good lesson for us, I think.  I got to grow up just a little bit more and Mason got to feel what it's like to be on the other side of his aggression toward Max.  Maybe now he'll think twice before shoving him out of his way when he wants the blue choo choo train.  Or maybe not...

Babysitter-Young

This morning I took the boys to play at Patriots Park in Downers Grove, and had a small moment of clarity.  Before I go on, I need to mention that I've been starting to think about myself aging and have been getting a little self-conscious.  I'm now well into being 31 and with my early 20's far behind me, I can look in the mirror and see hints of many wrinkles and I know that's just the beginning, not to mention my stiff knees... On the other hand, I've always felt kind of immature inside and sometimes don't feel wise enough to be a mom.   It seems like the gap between my mental and physical state appears to be widening.  Uggh.  Anyway, back to my moment.

At the park, I met a young early-teen girl at the swings.  We started talking as I pushed the boys.  After a bit, she said, "Are you their babysitter?"  It took me a second to realize that she was totally sincere.  I chuckled inside and revealed to her that, "No, I'm their mom."  Her surprised look, upon hearing my answer, just made it even better.  I'm not sure she knows how good she made me feel.

Sometimes I feel more like the babysitter than the mom.  Often, I'm taking a step away from moments of intense whining and fussing to think, "these kids are overwhelming, how does their mother do it?"  Or when they seem to lack listening skills of any kind, I sometimes look around for some moral support, as if to say, "Does anyone see this?  Am I just opening my mouth and no sound is coming out?"  Sometimes that's sure what it feels like.  On the other hand, feeling more like the babysitter can be good.  I love being silly with the boys, running around pretending that we are airplanes taking off to the skies with arms spread, or being the only adult squeezing myself down a child-size slide to the delight of my 3-year-old.  Of course, I have plenty of my own turns sitting on the side-lines being more of a supervisor or spectator, and I think there's definitely a time for that, but also, as long as I'm "babysitter-young", I'm going to challenge myself to keep being part of their playing and not only observing it.  I can tell by their reaction when I do, that they are so grateful and so excited to have me join in the fun of being young and being a kid.

So...here's to being "Babysitter-Young"!

New Life

I'm so pleased to announce that my new niece, McKinley Joy Murrill, arrived on August 3rd!  She came 5 weeks early but is already at home with Steph, Mark and big sister Monroe.

Tonight was the first time I'd been able to hold her.  I took the boys to their house so we could all officially meet her.  Seeing her through the glass window in the hospital just wasn't the same, although I'll never forget the moment Max saw her and gave her the nickname "Kiki".  Just perfect, Max!  She's very tiny, and very beautiful.

While both boys were excited to meet her, Mason seemed especially enamored.  He petted her head several times and gave her the tiny toy goose he picked out for her today.  When she coo-ed, he exclaimed, "She said, 'Goose please' ".  Of course she did!

Tomorrow night we are celebrating her, and her early arrival, with a baby shower at our friend Jen Brown's house.  I'm so excited that I finally get to be at one of my sisters showers.  I couldn't go to either of Renee's since I live halfway across the country, so this is extra special for me.  We'll take some pictures and eventually, I will post some of those as well as some from many months ago that I've been too lazy to take off my camera.  One of these days I'll get to it...but for now:

Let's hear it for a new baby, a new life, and a new family!!!

God bless Mark, Stephanie, Monroe and McKinley Murrill!

Lead Me

Somehow, I'm finding a quick moment to breathe.  I feel bad that I haven't written a blog post in so long, (mostly because I've missed it) but if I looked back at the past month, I'm still not sure I would have had a moment to do it.

We have had a lot of company this summer. Each visit was so wonderful and I'm glad we got to see so many different members of our family. I will be honest, and say that my energy cup is very empty, but I'm also kind of energized to get back into our normal, more quiet schedule.  Like most kids, Mason and Max do better when things are predictable and constant so it's always nice to settle back in to our routine.

I've been thinking a lot lately about God's leading in our lives.  If there's one thing I've learned about  following God's plan, it's that following His plan is always better than following mine. Any time I've tried to lead and have made a choice that put us in a particular situation, I end up feeling frustrated, unhappy and unfulfilled. I think it's because I don't see the big picture.  But He does.

Life throws you curve balls. Maybe you didn't expect to be divorced at this point in your life, or maybe you never thought you would face foreclosure when you moved into a home you loved.  I certainly don't know why some of the most gut-wrenching experiences happen to us, but I do know that God will be with us through all of it. The hard part is believing that and living it. If you do, if you keep your faith in Him through life's detours, He will not let you down.  For me, by trusting Him and not giving up on His promises to take care of me, I've received a peace of mind that's priceless.  Seeing where He has lead our family, sometimes unexpectedly, makes me know that I always want Him in charge of those decisions.  I always end up looking back and thinking, "Wow, I never saw that coming" or "I had no idea that going down that path would lead to this". He usually seems to take us places I would have never thought to go.  I think it's important to remember that in His time, He will show you His plans.  He will walk with you, pick you up when you fall, carry you when you are weak and ultimately, He will be faithful in His promises to prosper you, to give you hope and a future.  Try it.  He won't let you down.

Playing Catch-up

I haven't forgotten that I promised a list of the books I'd read for my last monthly goal of reading (and beyond).  I can't just leave it at that without a saying a little something about myself and books.  It's not been an easy relationship for me. This resolution was a big step because I never used to read books for my own enjoyment.  

I always thought people who read books were intelligent, cool, and something I would never be. I've always loved to read, but my reading has largely consisted of Us Weekly, people.com, a lot of magazines and numerous news websites. I have always had a hard time focusing long enough to get through more than one or two chapters in a book before I became bored. I would either give up, or force my way through just because I had gone at least halfway and I "needed" to finish it so I could add it to the meager list of books I'd read. Somehow it made me feel good about myself.  Even through college, I managed to get through without reading much of anything and that's saying a lot for being a communications major. Thankfully, I'm able to focus much better now than when I was in college and one of the things I enjoy most is climbing in to bed early and opening up my current read.

Here are some of the books I've recently enjoyed, in no particular order:

"Bittersweet", by Shauna Niequist

"Organizing for your Brain Type"

"Somewhere Inside", by Laura and Lisa Ling

"The Great Chicago Fire"

"Abraham Lincoln: An Extraordinary Life"

"Biltmore: An American Legacy"

I'm currently reading, "Notes on My Travels", by Angelina Jolie, and "Organized Simplicity".  A few books next in line are: "The Case For The Creator" by Lee Strobel, "The World Is Bigger Now" by Euna Lee, "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist.

Do you like to read?  Read anything good lately?  Please share a comment!

P.S. Timi, I need the author still for the book you suggested a while ago.  I wasn't able to find it.

Pictures from North Carolina

Maria and Brynley, getting ready for our picnic lunch at Chimney Rock.

Sweet Blythe.  

Little Brynley. I can't believe she is almost 1 year old!

The school bus we rode to the trailhead at Chimney Rock.  The kids LOVED it!

BFF's!  Mason has really missed Mitchell, as you can see.

The four big kids, Mitchell, Blythe, Max, and Mason.

My 3 favorite boys!

The Nudd's.  Five of our favorites!

My family!

I'm always up for some lovin' on mommy!

We made it!

Brynley got tired.  So she took a nap.  We were all a little jealous.  Brandon is a stellar dad.

It was totally worth it.  Look at that view.

I carried Max the whole way down.  He rode on Mike's shoulders on the way up, but Mike had to carry Mason most of the way down. We weren't exactly doing a kid-friendly hike, but it was well worth the extra effort.

Max was the first one to cross the finish line at the bottom.  

Mason loves "race-cars" because they are "RRRRRRRReeeeaaaaallly Faaaaaaaaaassst" to quote him.

Future Lovas?  If I have my way...that is a yes.

Amazing.

The start of my amazing birthday with Maria at the Biltmore Estate, getting our pedicures.

In the waiting room, having some snacks.

Maria's turn.

The view of the Biltmore "house" from the start of the courtyard.

Getting some treats in the carriage house courtyard after our pedi's and tour of the house.

Isn't she so cute?!!

We walked so far that we had no guilt indulging in some delicious pastries.

Yum.  Apple pastry, Cream puff, baklava, pecan roll.  No leftovers.

Front ride side of the house. I wish we could have taken pictures inside.  I can't really describe how amazing it was.  It has a bowling alley, swimming pool, 3 kitchens (pastry kitchen, meat kitchen, main kitchen) and literally wings of bedrooms.  My entire house wouldn't fill up the music room and the two story library was at least twice that large.

Looking down from what I'm guessing is some sort of driveway or extra parking or who knows what.  I should check my info book, but I'm too lazy right now.

We were all smiles.  SO much fun, wish such a wonderful person!

Looking back at the left side of the house.  

I just LOVE this girl!

Ok, so I had to flirt with the camera just a little bit.

We stayed until after everyone was gone, even the employees were walking home.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  It felt like we were living in "Pride and Prejudice".

Facing away from the house these are multi-leveled walkways.

Let's be honest, we're more like sisters than friends.  :)

The bridge you see in "The Last of the Mohicans".  Most of the movie was filmed at Chimney Rock and on the Biltmore Estate.

Another set of future spouses, cross your fingers, sharing puffs at an awesome place called Tupelo Honey Cafe.  

Our big family table!

These two have mostly a loving relationship.

Who says you can't just suck the jam off the biscuit and then put more jam on it?

Big smiles!

Blythe perfecting the process.

Me and my goofy little Max.

Homemade black bean burger with fried okra.  We are in the south and loving it!

Back at the Nudd's hanging out on the front porch.

The big boys got to work quickly.

I don't think I've seen two boys who aren't related love each other so much.

Popsicles!

You have to be around Blythe to fully appreciate her cuteness. Not only is she a darling to look at, but she's a dear to be around.

Singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" to the kids.  I felt like a superstar.

A shirtless Blythe pushing Mason in the stroller.

My turn!

Bathtime!  

For a few minutes we had all 5 kids in the tub at the same time!

Jammies on, ready for bed.

Thanks for looking.  We had such a wonderful time!