I'm not sure what it is. Are the writing exercises working? Is my extra quiet time the answer? Time spent looking at beautiful rolling hills? A quiet in my environment I could never dream of finding in the Chicago suburbs? Or maybe it's all the little dissociating activities I've cut from my life that can make this happen. Maybe it's a combination of these things, but whatever it is, I'm finding myself with greater mental clarity, feeling more in touch with my emotions, and I have an internal calm that has been missing before.
Several weeks ago, maybe even a month or two, I started slowly cutting things out of my life, that I enjoyed, maybe too much, and that kept me busy and kept my mind distracted. I chose these things and let them be a part of my life, often giving each of them significant time and energy, and certainly space in my head. And to be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with any of these things, but for me, I chose to cut them out because I was spending too much energy on them and I wanted to try life in a more simple way for a while, basically, to peel away the layers of distraction until further notice.
I didn't stop everything all at once, just one thing at a time as it felt right. Here's what I did: I stopped all non-essential shopping, painting my nails, wearing jewelry (except for my wedding bands), drinking coffee, wasting time online, playing games on my phone, and made a conscious effort to listen to my heart instead of just doing what I thought would please others.
As a result, besides having a headache for a week (thank you, dear old friend coffee), I am surprised how much more I feel like myself. Getting through the first few days of any major changes to your lifestyle is the hardest, and I'm sure it comes and goes, but from what I've gained, I am sure it was worth the discomfort.
Today, I really, really feel like, Melissa. I feel more connected to who I am, what I want from life, what's important to me, and how to make choices I will feel good about. I don't know if I will start back up with one of those items tomorrow, or in a month, or when. But for now, today, I feel great. And I am learning how to listen to my heart, my mind, my feelings, and I even feel more connected to God. It's like there's less in the way, less stuff I'm putting between my raw, honest self and my God. Less that I'm hiding behind, less that I'm trying to be. And while it seemed scary at first, what I've found behind all the clutter, is a person I actually like. A person who is enough.
It's just me now. And it's not so bad.
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